Ask Dr. Forgiveness

In chapter 10 of your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, you say this: “Knowing how to forgive is also preparation for the injuries and pain that will come in the future.”  That seems kind of pessimistic.  Should I be living my life, always looking over my shoulder, trying to find the next person who will treat me cruelly?

The point of the sentence is this: We are in a fallen world in which people are not always at their best.  Because of this, our being treated unjustly by others is to be expected, and so we should be prepared for that.  We have to be temperate (balanced, not extreme) on this so that, as you say, we are not constantly looking over our shoulders for the next injustice.  Yet, we do not want to be intemperate in the other direction either.  In other words, we do not want to deny the realities of this world, so we need to be prepared for injustices that likely will come.  If we do not learn to forgive, we may be defenseless when faced with deep resentment.  How do we get rid of it?  If we have no clue, this gives others who treat us badly too much power over our wounded hearts.  If, instead, we realistically and temperately learn to forgive, then we are ready to do the work of reducing that resentment when the injustices against us come and are serious.

I want to learn more about this agape love you mentioned in your earlier answer about finding meaning in suffering through forgiveness.  If I wanted to learn more about agape love, could you recommend a couple of readings on the topic?

Yes, I would recommend Gene Outka’s classic book Agape and this journal article:

Enright, R.D., Wang Xu, J., Rapp, H., Evans, M., & Song, J. (2022). The philosophy and social science of agape love. Journal of Theoretical and Philosophical Psychology, 42(4), 220– 237. https://doi.org/10.1037/teo0000202

Thank you for your response to my question about suffering.  Ok, you have convinced me that we can find meaning in our suffering.  So, my next question is this: What do you see that people learn when they forgive?

When people forgive, they learn more deeply about mercy, and if they keep at it and practice forgiveness, they can learn to love more consistently and more deeply.  After all, the highest form of forgiveness is to offer agape love to others, and this can take time to learn and master.  Yet, with the practice of forgiveness, people can learn to appreciate this form of love and to apply it consistently in their interactions with others.

Can we actually grow through our suffering?  In other words, is suffering just for nothing, or can we find meaning in it?

The psychiatrist Viktor Frankl made the fascinating point that we can find meaning in any area of our lives, including in suffering.  He asked us in his classic book, Man’s Search for Meaning: What can we learn from the difficult challenges of life?  Some people say that, when they suffer injustices from others, this makes the one who suffers more aware of other people’s suffering.  Others say suffering makes them more patient.  Religious people say that it draws them closer to God as they rely on grace and trust in a reasonable outcome.  So, yes, people can grow in their humanity as they suffer.

What do you suggest that I do in the following situation?  I now am part of a peer group that seems to be against forgiveness.  The members of this group suggest that forgiveness is weak and we need to be tough and fight for justice.  How do I stay true to forgiveness under these frustrating conditions?  Should I just leave the group?  We have common interests, such as sports, watching movies, and supporting one another.

If you want to stay in the group, you need to respond internally—in your own mind — each time an untrue statement is made about forgiveness.  Resolve the issue in your own mind first.  Do you think you can, at least at times, gently answer a statement of weakness by saying, “Here is another perspective.  To forgive requires great courage because the forgiver is offering mercy to those who were not good to the forgiver. If someone can do that and, at the same time, strive with respect for justice, would you call that weakness?”  You then can point out that a person can forgive and seek justice because these are not mutually exclusive.  You might end up changing minds as you speak the truth about forgiveness.