Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Isn’t reconciliation more important than forgiveness because reconciliation draws people back together again? All forgiveness does, if I understand it correctly, is reduce my inner pain.
You have separated reconciliation and forgiveness, treating them as independent concepts. When people have been hurt in a relationship, forgiveness, as being deliberately merciful and good to the other, greatly assists with the reconciliation process. Without forgiveness, when there is deep hurt in a relationship, reconciliation may be somewhat superficial as the people are guarded and possibly still resentful. Forgiveness and reconciliation are a team.
Why is forgiveness so difficult, especially when deeply hurt by others?
Forgiveness is a moral virtue, as are justice, patience, and kindness, as examples. All moral virtues have at their core the principle of being good to others. For example, in the context of justice, if you contract with a carpenter to build a chair for you, then you pay for this once it is done. You get the chair and the carpenter receives the money. Both are satisfied because both share in the moral good of the event. With forgiveness, one person has behaved without good and the other person, the forgiver, responds deliberately with moral good. It is hard to be good when that goodness is not reciprocal. This is why forgiveness is such a heroic moral virtue. Through one’s own pain, the forgiver offers goodness.
You say that forgiveness is a choice, but from what I can tell, Forgiveness Therapy is superior to all other mental health options when faced with growing resentment from being treated unjustly. If this is the case, then there really is no other alternative. If I want to be healthy, I must choose forgiveness. What do you think?
Even in the situation that you describe, the client still makes a free-will decision to engage in Forgiveness Therapy or not. It is this free-will decision that still makes it the client’s choice.
When a Christian engages in self-forgiveness, is he forgiving his own sins?
People who are Christians do not forgive their own sins when they engage in self-forgiveness. Instead, it means that one gives to oneself what one gives to others when they are hurtful: love, compassion, and understanding despite the negative behavior. Self-forgiveness is the process of trying to love the self despite engaging in bad behavior. This does not mean that the self-forgiver excuses inappropriate behavior. Forgiveness of sins belongs exclusively to God.
What is a first step in convincing my partner to read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice? He has been hurt by his father years ago, and resentment remains. Every time I mention forgiveness, he turns away as if it is toxic.
I first would try to find out what he means by the term forgiveness. It is possible that he is misunderstanding it, equating it, for example, with saying, “What you did to me was okay.” See if there are errors in his thinking. If there are, try to correct those, without insisting that he now forgives. After a while, you can ask him how his inner world is. For example, is he disrupted by his father’s actions from years ago? If so, ask him what he is doing to heal from that and if his chosen approach actually is working? If not, you then can gently discuss some of the scientific research showing that people get relief from their resentment when they forgive. Understanding accurately what forgiveness is and being motivated to heal from resentment are two approaches that are worth trying.
