Ask Dr. Forgiveness
As a follow-up to my question on filial piety, do you think that when adult children forgive parents for harsh parenting when the adult child was young, the forgiving on the part of the adult child is false forgiveness? In other words, the adult child forces herself to forgive, and so it is not really sincere. What do you think?
If the adult child is pressured by others to forgive the parents, then this could result in a superficial forgiveness, or what you call false forgiveness. Yet, given that many who practice filial piety would not think of forgiving the parents as a usual approach, then the forgiving likely may be thoughtful and based on a free-will choice. If this is the case, then the forgiving probably is genuine.
In my culture, it is considered improper for adult children to criticize parents for stern discipline when the child was young. Would you call this a form of rigid psychological repression or suppression on the part of the adult children, in which case this norm of not criticizing is unhealthy?
You seem to be referring to the theme of “filial piety, ” a norm in some cultures. Filial piety urges the children, even as adults, to respect the parents. In my experience talking with university students who grew up with filial piety, some of them come to realize that stern discipline by the parents was necessary because of the misbehavior of the university student as a child. Yet, when this is not the case, and parents were overly harsh, I think it is fine to balance both forgiveness and filial piety. In other words, you can come to a rational conclusion that the parents were overly harsh, forgive for this, and remain respectful toward the parents now. In other words, forgiveness and filial piety can grow up together. The adult child acknowledges harsh treatment by the parent and so forgives, and at the same time, remains respectful to the parents because they are the parents.
I am a university student who will be conducting research in the future. I am quite interested in whether there are studies of forgiveness interventions done with children. If so, where can I find some of these resources?
Yes, there has been extensive research on forgiveness education for children and adolescents. An extensive literature review across 10 different world cultures was published, showing that as students learn about forgiveness, they tend to increase their forgiveness of those who hurt them and decrease their anger.
Here is a reference to that journal article, which is in open access:
Rapp, H., Wang Xu, J., & Enright, R.D. (2022). A meta-analysis of forgiveness education interventions’ effects on forgiveness and anger in children and adolescents. Child Development, 93, 1249-1269. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13771
Here is an essay about the importance of introducing forgiveness education to students who live in conflict zones of the world:
Renewing War-Torn Communities Through Forgiveness Education, April 20, 2017
Do you think it is a good idea to “forgive and forget”? It seems to me that if we completely forget, then we are open to the injustices experienced before. Maybe we remember and, at the same time, not dwell on the person’s actions.
You show insight here as you answer your own question. I use the expression, “Forgive and remember in new ways.” In other words, we do not develop a kind of moral amnesia in which we completely forget. We remember so that it does not happen again, but we remember without the burning anger that can be disruptive to the person who was treated unfairly.
I want to consider self-forgiveness. Do any of your publications focus on this?
Yes, and I would recommend the book 8 Keys to Forgiveness, published in 2015. The seventh “key” in the book discusses the controversies surrounding self-forgiveness, what self-forgiveness is, and how to go about forgiving yourself.
