Ask Dr. Forgiveness

I am in a relationship with a man who is constantly criticizing me. No matter how much I tell him that this is hurtful, he keeps at it. He does apologize and talks of his temper that he has modeled after his father. How many times do I have to forgive him? It is getting very wearying to keep forgiving him every day.

I am sorry that you are having to endure this criticism. I am sure this is very difficult. My first question concerns fairness. When you forgive, do you also ask for fairness? Forgiveness does not mean that we put up with unfair treatment. My second question concerns what forgiveness is. Are you responding mercifully to your husband? Are you excusing him as you forgive? Forgiveness does not find excuses. Regarding how long to forgive, if you are not in danger and if you are asking for fairness and if you are forgiving as a true expression of mercy and kindness toward him, then forgiveness can be a psychological protection for you. The hope is that your husband will respond to your call for him to stop, see your compassion, and then change for the better.

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Do you think that people who go through the forgiveness process and experience emotional healing have an obligation to now help others to heal through forgiveness?

As we have said on other occasions, forgiveness is a choice of the one who was treated unjustly.  Over time, as I write in the book, The Forgiving Life, people develop such a love of this virtue that it becomes a part of them.  It is at this point that some people now feel obligated to forgive and to pass that knowledge on to others.  If this obligation to help others starts to develop in you, please remember that you have chosen to make this your obligation. Others still may not feel the same sense of obligation as you and we should not condemn them for that.

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Is it wrong to leave a group to which I belong because of a lot of negative attitudes by people in that group? Or, should I stay and help them to see that their negativism is not good for any of us?

The answer depends on your realistic assessment of your degree of danger in staying in the group.  If there is no danger, then forgiving people in the group and even forgiving the group itself may help you to endure the negative attitudes.  Your forgiving even might help the people to see your loving response, thus changing negative attitudes to positive.  This could take time and so please be aware of that.  Group norms do not usually change overnight.

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I think I have become a more sensitive person because of the pains from injustice I have suffered. Yet, I sometimes think of this “sensitivity” as a weakness in me. I think I am not a strong person. In other words, I don’t trust myself to stand up for myself any more. What do I do?

Being sensitive does not mean that you will ignore justice.  If you see this happening to you, then acknowledge it and correct your response so that you exercise forgiveness and justice together.  Also,not trusting yourself may be related to self-esteem.  Have you been deeply hurt by someone to such an extent that it lowered your self-esteem?  If so, then your forgiving the person (and seeing his or her inherent worth) may help you to see your own inherent worth, thus increasing your self-esteem and your trust of yourself.

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Why do you think that societies have not discussed forgiveness in an open and large-group way? I have never seen a discussion of this as I have, for example, about such important issues as the death penalty, abortion, and other issues that have direct implications for the overall quality of life.

I, too, am puzzled by the silence over centuries regarding a thoroughgoing discussion of forgiveness in any society in the world.  Has it just been off the radar of leaders?  Have the burdens of justice and injustice been so large that mercy has been left by the side of the road?  It could be that leaders historically have considered forgiveness to be part of religion and so have compartmentalized it there.  Now that forgiveness has made its way into philosophy, psychology, law, medicine, and education, it seems to me that it is time for leaders to encourage a discussion of forgiveness in families, in schools, and between groups and countries that experience conflict.  The world would be a better place with forgiveness growing up alongside justice in many communities, societies, and countries.

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