Ask Dr. Forgiveness
Can you have the intent to do no harm toward another and yet still be very angry with that person?
Yes, a commitment to do no harm is an act of the will. Anger is an emotion. We can control the will (what we decide to think and what we will do behaviorally) more than we can control our emotions. Thus, as we conform our will to do no harm, we still might be angry.
What does it mean to “do no harm” to another?
This has a very wide meaning. In its deepest meaning, “do no harm” means to make a commitment (and to follow through on this) not to seek actual revenge. There is a commitment to avoid physical harm. On a lighter level, it can mean deliberately deciding not to talk negatively toward or about the one who hurt you.
When you commit to forgiving others, does it also include a commitment to be gentle with oneself at the same time?
Yes, as you forgive others, you offer to yourself what you offer to them. Are you offering patience to others? Then be patient with yourself. Are you trying to be compassionate toward others, then be compassionate toward yourself as a wounded person in need of some time and nurturance to heal emotionally.
I think I have forgiven a family member and then when the situation is mentioned again, I find that I get angry. Have I not forgiven?
It depends on your level of anger when the situation is mentioned again. Do you get very angry? On a 1 to 10 scale, are you up near the 9 and 10 range, or is the anger more manageable, say, in the 3 or 4 range? It is common to have some anger left over when we have forgiven, but that anger no longer controls us. So, if you are in control of the anger and its intensity is not high, then yes, I do think that you have forgiven.
I have forgiven someone who is not interested in reconciliation. I am interested in reconciling. It is ok for me to continue to give the gift of forgiveness in the hope of an eventual reconciliation?
Yes, you can offer overtures of forgiving from a distance, but please be careful that you do not use forgiving as a manipulation of the other’s feelings. When you forgive, try to make the motivation the other’s well-being. Try to forgive for the other and not for what you can get out of this. Respect the other’s decisions for now. In other words, as you forgive, you have the other’s best interest at heart and if he or she does not want to reconcile right now, part of your task is to accept this. Be open to the possibility of a reconciliation, but try also not to push too hard at that reconciliation.
