Ask Dr. Forgiveness

A friend told me that self-forgiveness is a way to rationalize bad behavior so that you can keep doing it. Is she correct?

Some people consider self-forgiveness to be inappropriate because one cannot judge one’s own actions in an objective way (we are biased and too self-interested to get it right, in other words).  Yet, even if we cannot see our own actions with complete clarity, we do have a conscience that assists us.  Thus, we can assess our actions and words as right or wrong.

When we self-forgive in an accurate way, we see that we have done wrong to self and others and do what we can to change.  In other words, to self-forgive is not only to love oneself after not feeling so loving (toward the self) but also to make amends for the damage the self-forgiver caused to other people.  Thus, self-forgiveness, when understood and practiced properly, is not a trick one plays on oneself to keep going with the behavior (which conscience tells us is unacceptable).

What is the difference between forgiving a person and trusting that person?

Forgiveness is a moral virtue as is (for example) justice, patience, and kindness. A moral virtue starts within a person as goodness and then flows out to others for their good. In the case of forgiveness, an unjustly treated person has mercy on someone who acted badly toward the forgiver. One can offer that mercy without trusting a person if he or she continues to behave badly. Trust must be earned. Forgiveness can be given unconditionally as compassion, mercy, and even love no matter how the other behaves. At the same time, one who forgives does not toss the quest for justice aside. One can forgive and seek justice.

Do you have any tips for working on forgiving someone who is no longer here? My father was emotionally abusive when I was a child, and I would like to forgive him, but he died many years ago so I cannot ask him why he did it, or ask him to apologize.

It is possible to forgive your father even though he no longer is on this earth. You can do the work of seeing his inherent worth, not because of what he did, but in spite of that. You can work on reducing resentment. You can talk—in a realistic fashion—about his good points to other family members (when you are ready) so that you help him to leave a legacy in the family that is not all bad. All of this is part of forgiveness.

How important is it for me to wait until the other person apologizes before I extend the hand of forgiveness? It seems that if I forgive unconditionally I am letting the one who hurt me off the hook.

I think it is a common error to think that the only way to receive justice or to have a chance to rehabilitate the one who hurt you is to wait for an apology.  You might consider forgiving and asking for justice at the same time.  You might consider forgiving and point out, as carefully and lovingly as you can, the person’s weaknesses that have led to your being hurt.  Waiting for an apology is not the only way to achieve a just end.

My father abandoned our family when I was 6 years old. I am now grown, in college, and he has come around now that the pressure is off. He wants to establish a relationship with me, but I do not even know him. Does it seem kind of phony to now go ahead with this?