Our Forgiveness Blog

Helpful Forgiveness Hint

When you have been hurt by another person, try to look far beyond the injustice itself and your current feelings. Try to see long into the future and ask yourself this question: How might my reaction to this situation affect my legacy, what I leave behind when I die? If you stay even mildly annoyed for a long time, you might be leaving behind the disappointment and even anger that you passed to others, even without intending to do so. If you forgive, you might be leaving behind a sense of love in the face of hardship. Which would you rather leave to others?

R.E.

Maintaining a Loving Heart: Part 3 of 3

“When people withdraw love from us, we might develop resentment. After all, we do not deserve unfair treatment and we do require love, not from all but at least from some. Resentment occurs when anger not only comes to visit, but sits down in our hearts, takes off its stinky shoes, and makes itself too much at-home in our hearts. After awhile, we do not know how to ask it to leave. While some anger might be good, persistent and intensive anger that is resentment is not healthy. It can distort in the short-run how we think (as we dwell on the negative), what we think (as we have specific condemning thoughts), and how we act (reducing our will to act in a morally good way).” Excerpt from The Forgiving Life, chapter 1

Maintaining a Loving Heart: Part 2

“If the theory is correct that the essence of our humanity is agape love in our minds, hearts, and actions, then we need to take seriously this caution: If love remains outside of us for a very long time, this can do damage to our emotions and to our relationships with many different people in our lives. In a sense, the connections which we formerly had with good people can become broken. We in a sense become disconnected from a variety of other people. We see this over and over in the published literature. The book, Helping Clients Forgive, presents scientific and clinical evidence of damaged emotions and relationships when love is withdrawn from people.” Excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 1.

Maintaining a Loving Heart: Part 1 of 3

“As we continually live with love withdrawn from us and a resulting resentment (with the short-term consequences of thinking with a negative pattern, thinking specific condemning thoughts, and acting poorly), we can settle into a kind of long-term distortion of who the love-withdrawing person is, who we ourselves are, and who people are in general. The basic issue here is that once love is withdrawn from us, we can begin to withdraw a sense of worth toward the one who hurt us. The conclusion is that he or she is worth-less. Over time, we can drift into the dangerous conclusion, ‘I, too, am worthless.’ After all, others have withdrawn love from me and have concluded that I lack worth, therefore I do lack worth. Even later, we can drift into the unhealthy conclusion that there is no love in the world and so no one really has any worth, thus everyone is worth-less.” Excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, Chapter 1.

Wounds and Love

In my years of talking with people about forgiveness, I have come to realize something important about the process: Wounded people are the ones who most often wound other people. Person A wounds Person B who wounds Person C. Person C is unaware that the wounds suffered by Person A are now descending on her.

Woundedness has a way of living on from person to person, not unlike how a virus continues to live, by finding a new host. The woundedness can go on for many years across many generations.

In my years of talking with people about forgiveness, I have come to realize something important about the process: Loving people are the ones who have been loved. Person A loves Person B who….you know the pattern.

We wound because we were first wounded.

We love because we were first loved.

We forgive because we were first wounded and loved.

We need to bring more love to people so that we can combat the woundedness with forgiveness.

In my years of talking with people about forgiveness, I have come to realize something important about the process: It is easier to pass on woundedness than love; woundedness than forgiveness.

Love can die in one generation if calamity descends. This is why we must be so vigilant about love and forgiveness. They are more fragile than our wounds.

R.E.