Tagged: “Anger”
If I try to minimize in my own mind the extent of another person’s injustice against me, this tends to lower my anger. Is this approach all right in your view?
No, actually, it is not, because it denies what happened. This denial will not necessarily lead to a more lasting reduction in the anger. For example, weeks later, you might have a thought that is more accurate regarding the extent of the injustice against you. You then will have to deal with that. If, on the other hand, you once again reframe the injustice with the distortion that it was not so bad, the more realistic appraisal likely will resurface later once again. It is better to see reality as it is so that you can see the extent of the injustice, the extent of the anger within you, and then deal constructively with this.
You talk frequently about the negative aspects of anger. My question is this: Are all forms of anger unhealthy? In other words, do I have to avoid anger at all costs?
When we talk about anger, for example, in the book, Forgiveness Therapy, authored by Dr. Fitzgibbons and me, the emphasis is on deep and abiding anger, what psychologists call resentment and psychiatrists call irritability. This kind of anger can lead to compromises in emotional health, such as an increase in anxiety and depression. Yet, short-term anger can be good because you know an injustice has occurred, and you further realize it is unfair. The key is not to let the anger dominate and linger for weeks, months, or years.
Can a person forgive another in a short amount of time, say, 10 minutes or even a couple of hours?
Yes, this is possible, but in my experience, the forgiver in such a case is not usually struggling with a grave offense. Very serious offenses usually require the strong medicine of forgiveness, which can take weeks or even months. As one example, Dr. Suzanne Freedman worked with incest survivors, and it took them, on average, about 14 months to forgive the father or father figure. The reference to that research is here:
Freedman, S. R., & Enright, R. D. (1996). Forgiveness as an intervention goal with incest survivors. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 64(5), 983-992.
If a person is in denial about his anger, how can he possibly break that denial? My partner has issues with his family, particularly from when he was a child, and he refuses to see this.
Denial of anger can have repercussions for one’s emotional well-being. A key may be this: See if your partner is willing to examine his inner world. Try to get him to see the inner discontent, possible fatigue, and even possible unhappiness—without asking about causes yet. If these can be uncovered, the next question is: Are you ready to try to reduce or even cure much of this? If his answer is yes, then you can move to the next question: What is the cause of this inner disruption? He might focus on current issues, such as frustration at work or other present issues. Try to move him back farther in time, eventually to his childhood, where you then can examine these more direct causes. If and when he sees the connection between how he was treated as a child and his current inner unrest, the next question is this: Would you like to reduce the inner discontent from your childhood experiences? If he answers yes, then you can propose forgiveness, but be sure to define it accurately, particularly stating that to forgive is not to excuse unjust behavior.
Thank you for your response to my question about some offenses being so awful that no one should forgive the perpetrators. You said this is not true because some people do forgive those who commit horrible crimes. My follow-up question is this: Might those who forgive under such awful circumstances be committing a philosophical mistake? In other words, they should not be forgiving, but don’t know any better?
What would be the basis for you concluding that they are wrong? For example, if a person forgives the murderer of her child and sees the murderer as a person, someone who does possess worth despite the atrocity, is this an error of judgement? Isn’t it true that the perpetrator still is unique in all the world and therefore is special and irreplaceable? Even if that is difficult for some people to see, it is the case that others do see this, as did Marietta Jaeger, who forgave the murderer of her daughter, Suzy. Marietta was rational, compassionate, and not distorting reality. In other words, her forgiving seems quite genuine and not at all a philosophical error.
