Tagged: “Anger”
Here is yet another issue between my husband and me. We were talking to a group of friends about forgiveness. Lately, two of the friends suggested to him that he should forgive one of his parents. He then got upset with me, saying, “See what you have done? Now, we even have our friends pressuring me into a forgiveness that I do not want to offer.” What do you think? How should I respond to him about this?
It is important that your husband realizes that forgiveness is his own free will choice and that people should not pressure him into this. He then may be able to see that the friends are well-intentioned, but he does not have to automatically follow their lead on this. When he is ready, he may go ahead and forgive.
My husband and I do not have children yet, but he has expressed concern that I might overemphasize forgiveness to them and make them weaklings. What would you say to that?
Your husband is not seeing forgiveness deeply enough. Forgiveness is most certainly not a sign of weakness, but rather a sign of courage and strength. After all, the forgiver is offering mercy through a heart of pain. I think the children need to know about forgiveness so that when others’ injustices hurt them, they know how to forgive as a way of reducing unhealthy anger toward the one who acted badly. The forgiveness may make a legitimate reconciliation possible for them.
My husband continued to challenge me, saying that I am too soft on forgiving, and that I will likely stay in my job for a lifetime, even when my boss is mean to me, which he sometimes is.
Your partner is confusing forgiveness with reconciliation. You need to point out the difference between the two. Forgiving is a moral virtue in which you willingly decide to have mercy on the one who behaved unjustly. Reconciliation is not a moral virtue, but instead is a negotiation strategy between two or more people coming together in mutual trust. Therefore, you can forgive and find a new job if your boss continues to be unreasonable in your judgement.
Here is my second question about my partner’s and my disagreements on forgiveness. He somewhat angrily said this to me: “You are so enthusiastic about forgiveness that you would let dangerous prisoners out of jail.” How do I handle that accusation?
Your partner may not understand that one can forgive and seek justice at the same time.. As you forgive, you can ask for fairness from the one who behaved badly.
My partner, who is my husband, and I have been discussing forgiveness in our relationship. I was surprised to hear his views, actually. For example, he muttered under his breath, “She is too concerned about forgiveness. That’s all she mentions lately.” I have other questions for you, but I wanted to start with this one. How do you suggest I handle this?
It seems that your partner is not as enthusiastic about forgiveness as you are. In such a case, I tend to ask each person to be tolerant of the other’s acceptance or non-acceptance of forgiveness. In other words, let him choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for him (even if you have a different view for yourself). In a similar way, it would be good if your partner lets you have the free will to choose forgiveness in the situations that are reasonable for you. This may take time for each of you to adjust to each other’s forgiveness patterns, but the main point is to give each other the freedom to choose forgiveness when each of you is ready.
