Tagged: “Anger”
My boyfriend and I have been arguing lately, and I find myself bringing up past things that I thought were resolved and for which I believed I had forgiven him. Considering how often I bring up the past problems, do you believe I really have forgiven him for them?
Since you say that forgiveness is now a part of you, it appears to me that you have started the process of forgiving. Please remember that it is normal to still feel some pain from past injustices. If you want to lessen your excessive anger from those situations, then I suggest that you continue to forgive him for those past events, knowing that you already have made progress. Your being more forgiving should help you to no longer bring up those past events.
Lately, I have entered what you call the Decision Phase of forgiveness. In making the decision to forgive my former friend, I feel lighter, less angry. Might this be enough so that I do not have to then enter what you call the Work Phase of forgiveness?
Let us take an analogy. Suppose you decide to take out a membership in a health club to get in good physical shape. You feel good about your decision. Are you now in good physical shape because you will be taking out the membership, or do you have to open that gym door, use the exercise machines over time, and build your muscles and your endurance? Decisions alone will not make you forgivingly fit. Yes, you may feel good for making the decision, but now it is time to hit that forgiveness gym to become forgivingly fit.
How can I be sure that I want to go on the forgiveness journey?
I would recommend that you focus on the following questions to help you make this decision:
1. Has the person truly been unfair to you? In other words, are there extenuating circumstances for the person so that you conclude: What happened to me was not unfair now that I think more deeply about it?
2. If you determine from point 1 above that there was an injustice, then how deeply are you hurt from this? Is the injustice interfering with your well-being or with your relationship with the other person? If the answer is yes to these questions, then moving forward with forgiving is reasonable.
3. Even if there is no disruption as seen in your answer to #2 above, do you want to forgive because to forgive is good in and of itself? If so, then moving forward with forgiveness is reasonable.
4. Do you have the will to move forward with forgiving? In other words, are you making a free-will choice to forgive without excessive pressure from others?
Your answers to these questions may help you to decide whether or not to go forward with forgiving.
If I do not meet the full definition of forgiveness in my forgiving life, have I failed at forgiveness? In other words, if I do not get to the positive side of forgiveness and do not have benevolence toward the one who hurt me, am I a failure at forgiving?
The ancient Greek philosopher stated that none of us reaches perfection in the expression of any moral virtue, and so this would include forgiveness. The late Louis Smedes in his 1984 book, Forgive and Forget, states the same thing. He said that we are all imperfect forgivers. Therefore, in our forgiveness journeys, we do not right away feel compassion toward the other or have positive thoughts about the person. These take time. If you have done the work of the forgiveness process and have reduced negative thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward those who have been unfair to you, please note that you have made considerable progress. You can feel free to choose continuing on the forgiven pathway if you want to go deeper in this moral virtue.
If I enter Forgiveness Therapy for my own good, to be relieved of ongoing anger and discouragement, is this selfish? If it is selfish, will this hinder my progress in this kind of therapy?
There are various goals or endpoints in the process of forgiving. For example, you might forgive for the sake of someone who has asked for forgiveness. You also might forgive simply because it is inherently good. Another reason for forgiveness is to alleviate your own anger or discouragement, which is not selfish; rather, it is a form of self-care. As an analogy, if you have torn cartilage in your knee, is it selfish to seek medical help for self-care of the knee?
