Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

Is Forgiveness Always Appropriate When Faced with Serious Injustices?

Is forgiveness always appropriate when there is a deep unfairness? First, let’s examine the response a little more. When we ask this question, are we inquiring about a specific person or about the virtue of forgiveness itself? Here is where there is a crucial difference.

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Since forgiveness is a moral virtue, we should ask our question of all virtues if our attention is on the virtue itself. As we broaden our view to focus on all moral virtues, we can consider the question’s opposite: For example, when is a quest for justice, one of the moral virtues, not appropriate? Put another way, can you picture a situation in which you might be arrested for intentionally acting in a just way? Would people condemn themselves for acting fairly? If not, then it appears to be the case that justice is always fitting in every situation. Is there ever a time when patience is inappropriate? How about showing kindness? I can hear someone say something like, “Well, I won’t be kind if someone is hitting me over the head with a frying pan.” I agree that your leaving the abuse is good because it is a protection for you. As a second possible response, you certainly are entitled to attempt removing the frying pan from the person’s grasp. You can act in either situation with kindness. Kindness is appropriate even in this instance. If kindness is used with other virtues (justice, courage, temperance) to help save the individual from doing the head-banging, then that is acceptable in the sense of being morally good.

My argument is that since all virtues are centered on the morally beneficial aspects of human interaction, then acting morally is always appropriate, and practicing forgiveness is one of these moral virtues.

The second aspect of the question (Is forgiveness always appropriate?) asks about the psychological suitability of practicing the virtue for any given individual. Does forgiveness make sense for any particular person all the time? This time, the answer is no, it is not always appropriate for the following reasons: a) the offended person may be too shocked by what happened to be ready to offer forgiveness at this time; b) the offended person may need to learn more about forgiveness to exercise forgiveness properly rather than some false form of it; and c) forgiveness is a supererogatory virtue that is not demanded of any one person at a particular time because it is not a virtue that society demands. It is the person’s decision to extend forgiveness or not on any particular occasion.

Is forgiveness always appropriate?

Yes, if we are talking about the quality of this term, specifically its quality of being a moral virtue.

Must, then, all people turn immediately to forgiveness when treated unjustly?

No, if we are discussing the psychological makeup of a certain individual, including both this person’s degree of hurt and understanding of forgiveness, as well as the specifics of the injustice, such as its gravity, duration, and time since it happened. Some people need time to be angry, to sort out what forgiveness is, and then move forward with it when the person is ready.

I don’t get it.  How can forgiveness reduce anger in the one who forgives?

Often, when people are treated deeply unjustly by others, they can experience anger and even an ongoing resentment that can last for years.  As people forgive, they begin to see the offending person from a broader perspective than just those hurtful actions.  As the forgivers see the worth in the one who offended, see the other as truly human, the anger toward this person begins to lessen.

Is forgiving others basically for the self or for the one who offended?

The essence of forgiveness is this: It is a moral virtue and all moral virtues concern the good of others.  Therefore, when you forgive, you are doing this for the one who hurt you.  A consequence of forgiving is that the self usually experiences well-being.  So, forgiveness is an act of goodness toward others with a consequence of a benefit toward the self.

In your Discovery Phase of the forgiveness process, you discuss meaning and purpose in a person’s life upon forgiving others.  What is the difference between finding meaning and finding purpose?

Meaning is the cognitive activity of answering the “why question” in a positive way regarding what was suffered. A likely insight gained is that I am stronger and more aware of others’ suffering, now that I have walked the forgiveness path.  Thus, to find meaning is primarily a cognitive activity.  Purpose concerns the actions that now flow from the meaning.  If a person begins to see that forgiving has been a positive journey in making one stronger, more merciful, then one purpose that might flow from this insight is this: I now will commit to aiding others in their suffering, in helping them to forgive.

In my observing people who have been hurt by others, there seems to be a certain closed-mindedness that makes forgiveness difficult.  Here is what I mean: People kind of close down to listening and discussing civilly with others once they have been hurt.  Wouldn’t this closed-mindedness to open communication hinder forgiving?

I think you are conflating forgiving and reconciling.  You can forgive a person starting within your own heart by committing to do no harm to the other, with a commitment to offering respect and eventually even love (in the sense of agape) toward that other person.  This occurs even without communicating with the other person.  Reconciliation, in contrast, does require listening and having open communication.  So, when this listening and discussing civilly are closed down, this likely will hinder the reconciliation process, but not the process of forgiving.