Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”
If I forgive, might I become obsessed with what happened? After all, as I focus on this, I may become fixated on it.
No, actually, the science shows that as you truly forgive, you are able to give up the anger that you have had. It is the discontent and the anger that contribute to a “fixation” that can last for years. Forgiving melts away that resentment and allows you to be free inside of the negative feelings and attitudes. Thus, forgiving can reduce, not increase, what you are calling the fixation.
My partner keeps telling me to forgive him and “just move on.” He hurt me big-time and so it is not so easy to just “move on.” I am not ready yet to truly forgive because, to me, this takes time. Is this what forgiveness is, “just moving on”?
You are correct to be hesitant about forgiveness being “just moving on.” This is a mistake in that it reduces forgiveness to what it is not. You can move on with cold indifference toward the one who acted unjustly. When you forgive, you strive to see the humanity in the other, not because of what happened, but in spite of this. You strive to offer compassion, benevolence, and even love (at least eventually) toward the other. As you rightly point out, this can take time.
Forgiveness Can Expand Your Vision
When we are consistently angry over deep injustices against us, it can narrow our vision. We think about the person and what happened, we dream about the person, we can become preoccupied with the past.
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In contrast, when we forgive, we see both a more complete person in the one who acted badly and an expanded hope for the future. As we forgive one person, we often are motivated to forgive others. As we continue to forgive, there often develops in us a motivation to assist others in their suffering. Our vision expands so that we see beneath the surface of others. We see their pain……and we want to help. As we continue to forgive and to aid others in their suffering, we can begin to expand our view of humanity, of who each person is as someone of inherent worth, special, unique, and irreplaceable.
As we forgive, we expand our vision of: a) the one who hurt us; b) hurting people in general; c) and humanity in general. The expansion tends to be what Lewis Smedes used to call “seeing with new eyes.” These are eyes of expansion, toward greater positivity and hope for humanity. These are eyes of expansion in seeing the self in new ways, with a new meaning and purpose in life for others.
Forgiveness is part of love and beauty and so as we forgive, we become more attuned to both love and beauty and want to contribute more of these into the world. The expanded vision does not lessen what happened, but it makes what happened more bearable as healing takes place and love expands.
What is the difference between transcending one’s anger and forgiving?
You can transcend your anger and still have condemning thoughts toward someone who was unfair to you. In other words, getting rid of the anger does not mean that you are focusing goodwill toward this other person. Forgiveness is person-centered. If the anger is transcended without a thought about the other, this is not forgiveness. If you are reducing your anger specifically toward the other, in the sense of seeing personhood in the other, and even the possibility of reconciliation if this person changes hurtful ways, this is forgiveness.
If I am not angry or disappointed at the other’s actions, is forgiveness even appropriate? My partner is, what he calls himself, “lazy.” He is correct about this. He often does not get done what he has promised. He asks me to forgive him, but without the anger, can I do that?
Forgiveness is being good to those who have not been good to you, without excusing the wrong. Both of you agree that his lack of promise-keeping is morally wrong. Therefore, you can forgive even if you are not angry or disappointed. For example, if you see him in a negative light as a person, part of your forgiving is to work on seeing the truth that he, in fact, is a person worthy of kindness and respect.
