Tagged: “break free from the past”

How do I know, with some degree of confidence, that I am ready to reconcile with the other person?

Reconciliation is different from forgiveness.  When we reconcile, this is a process of two or more people coming together again in mutual trust.  Reconciliation is conditional on the other person’s willingness to change, if he or she was the one who acted unfairly.  Forgiveness, in contrast, can be offered unconditionally to the other as a form of respect, understanding, compassion, and even love, even if there is no reconciliation.  So, you can forgive without reconciling.

With all of this as background, here are four questions which might help you decide if you are ready to reconcile (and I am presuming that the other is the one who has hurt you):

1) Has the other shown an inner sorrow about what he or she did?  We call this remorse;

2) Has the person verbally expressed this sorrow to you.  We call this repentance;

3)  Has the person made amends for what happened (and we have to ask if he or she has done so within reason because sometimes we cannot make full amends.  For example, if someone stole $1,000 from you but truly cannot repay it all, then you cannot expect that he or she can make amends in any perfect way).  We call this recompense;

4)  If the person has shown what I call the “three R’s” of remorse, repentance, and recompense, then do you have even a little trust in your heart toward the person?  If so, then perhaps you can begin a slow reconciliation, taking small steps in rebuilding the relationship.  Your answer to these four questions may help you with your question: How do I know that I now am ready to reconcile?

What cautions do you have for me before I reconcile with a former partner who was not particularly trustworthy?

Here are three cautions for you:

1. If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way.
2. Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, but then not reconcile if the other continues to be a danger to you. If you equate the two, then as you forgive, you may feel a false obligation to reconcile.
3. If you are still angry and not forgiving, then, without realizing it, you might use reconciliation as a weapon, in which you come together in a superficial way and then you keep reminding the other of how bad he/she has been and how good you have been.  This is why you need forgiveness to occur before a deep reconciliation occurs.

When I examine the effects of the injustice that happened to me, I get angry at myself for not realizing the connection all these years between what happened to me back then and my built-up anger and fatigue now.  Should I forgive myself for missing all of this?

We forgive ourselves when we do moral wrong, when we break our own standards.  It seems to me that you were not acting unjustly at all.  You simply did not know the connection between the past hurts against you and your challenges at present.  This is the case for very many people because forgiveness, current effects, and past trauma rarely are discussed in contemporary society.  I recommend that you practice gentleness toward yourself rather than forgive yourself.

After all, would you forgive yourself for not knowing other issues that are hidden from most people in society?  In the 1940’s for example, people did not have the precise knowledge of the connection between cigarette smoking and certain health problems.  Those people who were smoking back then were not saying to themselves, “The science shows that I am harming myself in very specific ways.  I will continue to smoke anyway.”  This would not have been the case for a very large part of the population.

It is similar now with the links among past trauma, current effects such as anger and fatigue, and forgiveness.  Not knowing is not necessarily an injustice and so I think you can go in peace……and start the forgiveness process now if you are ready.  In some cases, we deny reality and choose to not know what is good.  This issue is different from yours and this example would suggest that self-forgiveness would be appropriate as a person keeps pushing away what should be known as morally good.

If the other does not want to be forgiven, should I then not forgive?

Suppose someone said to you, “Please do not be fair to me.  Under no circumstances, you are not to exercise justice to me.”  Would you not be fair?  Isn’t it your choice to be fair, regardless of the other person’s request?  It is the same with forgiveness.  You can forgive from the heart, as a free-will decision.  You need not verbally proclaim your forgiveness toward the other if this person insists, but your forgiving always is your choice.  The key issue here is how you forgive, and that can be done silently, from the heart and in actions that do not proclaim forgiveness.

How can I forgive a God I no longer believe in?  I have a lot of anger toward this non-existent deity.

It seems to me that you do, in fact, believe in God and this is hidden from you right now.  Why do I say this?  You cannot have anger toward a person who does not exist.  How can a person who does not exist be unfair to you and therefore hurt you?  It is similar with God.  How can you have “a lot of anger” for a deity when you claim the deity does not exist?  Your emotions suggest to me that you do see God as real.  If this is true, then you need to ask questions such as this: Is God perfect, all holy?  If so, then God cannot be unjust to you.  Perhaps it is people who have hurt you and you are passing this now to God (“God should have prevented this,” as one example).  If this is your mode of thinking, then I recommend a deeper dive into theology so that you can address the issue of why God allows suffering in this world; why God allows others to be unfair to you.  In other words, it may be the rigors of this world and hurtful people at whom you are angry.