Tagged: “break free from the past”

Heroic Forgiveness in Recent Church Shooting

Photo by Liza Summer, Pexels.com

On September 28, 2025, Thomas Jacob Sanford drove his pickup truck through the front doors of the meetinghouse of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints during a worship service in Grand Blanc Township, Michigan. He opened fire with an assault rifle and then set the structure ablaze. Four people were killed and eight were wounded. He was killed in the parking lot by police. In the aftermath, at least six online fundraisers were started for the assailant’s widow and children. David Butler of Utah started a fundraising campaign that saw thousands of people donating. The fundraising efforts were not without their critics, who said that the victims’ families should be the recipients of the gifts. Yet, the gifts were a gesture of forgiveness, shown directly to the offending person’s family.

Can I forgive someone who hurt my child at school, but did not directly hurt me?  Is forgiveness appropriate only if I was directly hurt?

The philosopher, Trudy Govier, makes a distinction between primary forgiveness (in which you were directly hurt) and secondary forgiveness (in which a loved one was hurt and this has made you angry).  Secondary forgiveness is a legitimate form of forgiving because you truly were negatively affected by what happened to your child.  So, when you are ready, go ahead and forgive the one who was unfair to your child.

I am wondering if I have truly forgiven my partner for a serious betrayal or whether I am simply engaging in the psychological defense mechanism of denial.  Can you help me with this?

Yes, here are some questions for you to discern genuine forgiveness from denial:

A)    Have you committed to doing no harm to your partner?  This often is a sign that the forgiveness process has begun.

B)    Do you see your partner through a wider angle lens than just defining the person by the serious betrayal?  In other words, do you see that your partner has inherent or built-in worth?

C)    Are you hoping that your partner has a good life despite the betrayal?

All of these are indications that you are not simply denying what happened, but instead you are forgiving because you are being positive in terms of your thoughts, feelings, and behaviors toward the person.

I am considering reconciling with a former partner.  Can you please give me some advice on what I should keep in mind if I take this idea of reconciliation seriously?

Yes, I have addressed this very question in a Psychology Today essay that you can find here:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-forgiving-life/202104/6-things-consider-reconciling-ex

My former partner has apologized for bad behavior, but it all seems so insincere.  Do you think it is okay if I refrain from forgiving under this circumstance?  I feel nervous that I may make a wrong decision about getting back together.

I think your issue is centered on reconciliation, or coming back together again in mutual trust, rather than on the issue of forgiveness.  You certainly can forgive and, at least for now, not reconcile if the former partner seems insincere toward you.  Your nervousness seems to be more connected to reconciling than to forgiving.  Forgiving may relieve you from an uncomfortable resentment that might be within you right now.  Forgiving also may soften the former partner’s heart and help the person to truly change toward you.