Tagged: “break free from the past”
Might highly angry parents inadvertently be setting up their children to bully others in school and, once they are adults, to be difficult partners in marriage?
This depends on what the child has learned from observations of the parents. If the developing child does not reflect on the potentially destructive pattern, then, yes, the child may begin to show bullying behaviors in school and repeat the pattern of a conflictual relationship with a partner in adulthood. Yet it is possible that the son or daughter might gain wisdom from the parents’ fighting and realize that such a pattern is unhealthy. Thus, the person may deliberately commit to not following the parents’ behavior. In other words, insight along with a commitment to not imitate the conflictual behavior might spare the person from repeating the parents’ behavioral pattern now and in adulthood. Such insights to occur in childhood likely will need a sensitive and supportive adult to aid in the child’s learning about anger and its displacement. This requires wisdom on the adult-as-teacher’s part to avoid the error of excessive criticism toward the child’s parents.
I am aware of a weakness of mine. I am a bit too quick to go back to a relationship that was hurtful. In other words, I don’t think I have a great grasp of reconciliation. Can you provide me with some cautions as I reflect on this vital concept of reconciliation?
Here are three cautions for you:
- If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way.
- Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, but then not reconcile if the other continues to be a danger to you. If you equate the two, then as you forgive, you may feel a false obligation to reconcile.
- If you are still angry and unforgiving, you might, without realizing it, use reconciliation as a weapon: you come together in a superficial way, then keep reminding the other how bad he/she has been and how good you have been. This is why forgiveness must precede deep reconciliation.
When on my forgiveness journey, I can get tired and want to stop. At such times, I can get discouraged and don’t necessarily like myself because I am not persevering. Not crossing the finish line of forgiveness. Can you help me gain some perspective on this?
You have an assumption which I would like to gently challenge. Just because you have changed your mind and have ceased for now to forgive does not mean that you are not engaged in the forgiveness process. Sometimes that process leads us to taking much-needed breaks.
Forgiveness is hard work and so when you need a break, please do so without guilt.
Think of it this way. Suppose you are on a cross-country bike ride, which will take you many days to complete. After the first day, when you put your bicycle away and go to bed for the night, have you ceased to be on the journey? The answer, of course, is no, you have not ceased. You simply are on a particular phase of the journey that requires rest.
Think of forgiveness this way, too. It is not a sprint to the finish line. Instead, forgiveness is a process, a journey that takes time, and during that time, we rest. It is your choice. Resist the pressure to be constantly vigilant in your forgiving. Giving yourself permission to back off, rest, and then begin again will likely bring greater joy on the journey for you.
I left a relationship in which I experienced continued abuse. Now that I am out of this challenging relationship, guess who I am blaming for the breakup? Right…..me! Help!
I recommend that you make this important distinction: Did you fail in the relationship or did the one who abused you cause that failure? For instance, if the other stopped the abuse and you were able to trust, would you have left the relationship? I think the answer is no, you would not have left the relationship. My point is this: You tried, but the other did not make it possible for you to continue with the relationship. You did not fail, and I urge you to say this to yourself so that you can stand in the truth that you did what you could. You can view an essay I recently published on the Psychology Today website on this topic: How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Partner Is Abusive.
I have a deep interest in helping those with addictions, particularly to drugs. Do you have knowledge of any forgiveness research that addresses this issue?
Yes, and we have a randomized experimental and control study to show this. We chose a challenging group, those who were court-ordered to residential drug rehabilitation. We did two sessions a week with the book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, for 6 weeks. After the forgiveness sessions, the participants went from clinically depressed to non-depressed, and their cravings for drugs diminished statistically significantly relative to the control group. In contrast, those in the drug-treatment program as usual (the control group) went down in depression, but they remained clinically depressed. Here is the reference to that research:
Lin, W.F., Mack, D., Enright, R.D., Krahn, D., & Baskin, T. (2004). Effects of forgiveness therapy on anger, mood, and vulnerability to substance use among inpatient substance-dependent clients. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology, 72(6), 1114-1121.
