Tagged: “forgive”

I have been hurt in a romantic relationship that lasted three years.  I think this painful experience helped me to become a more sensitive person to others’ pain.  Yet, in my becoming a sensitive person, I now am wondering if I have become a weaker person, not as strong as before.  As an example, I am less likely to speak up when people annoy me because I see others’ pain, even when they are displacing it onto others.  Sensitive vs, strong: What do you think?

Your being sensitive to other people need not lead to the conclusion that you are now weak.  You do not seem to hesitate in speaking up out of fear, but out of insight—-knowledge that the one who is annoying is acting out of internalized pain.  Please keep in mind that, as you see the other person’s pain, you still can move ahead with the moral virtue of justice and ask something of others.  With your forgiving heart, the way you ask for justice now may be different, more gentle and patient than before, because you are realizing that you are addressing a hurting person.

What Is the Difference Between Forgiving and Walking Away?

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I recently received a thoughtful letter from someone who has suffered gravely and extensively from others’ unjust actions.  The letter was a response to an article in the Washington Post newspaper, published on Thursday, April 23, 2026 entitled, How to let go of grudges—-and why it could be good for your health.

Because the letter writer asked such an interesting question (What is the difference between forgiving and walking away?), I wanted to share my response while protecting the privacy of the person.  Here is my reply:

I am sorry to hear of the terribly unjust actions that you have experienced in your life.  You certainly deserve none of this.

Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you try to be good to those who have not been good to you.  Basically, it is trying to cultivate mercy toward them.  Walking away is different in that people can walk away with indifference, or even annoyance or hatred in their hearts.

I find that when people are treated very cruelly by others,  it is difficult to walk away with a healed heart.  Forgiveness is a powerful medicine for reducing, and even curing, the resentments that can literally last for the rest of a person’s life.  Some people reject the idea of forgiveness or are not ready for it.  In my experience, people who reject forgiveness actually misunderstand it, equating it with excusing what others did, with automatically reconciling (which a person does not have to do when forgiving), or with throwing justice under the bus.  A person can forgive and seek justice.

So, if you think you are ready, you could start with a person who was not exceptionally cruel to you.  Learn the forgiveness process with this one person.  If forgiveness then seems reasonable to you, try another person, again choosing someone who was not extremely cruel to you.  If you want to continue, keep choosing others who have hurt you a little more than the previous person you have forgiven.  Eventually, you will be at the top of the pyramid, forgiving those who were exceptionally cruel to you.

If you accomplish all of this forgiving, you will stand triumphant, with a reduced resentment that might surprise you.  Those who treated you cruelly then will have no emotional power over you in that the resentments remaining in your closet will be substantially reduced or eliminated.

If you go on this journey, I wish you the very best.  Please let me know if you have any other questions about forgiveness.

Have you found any cross-cultural differences in forgiveness that you can share with me?

We did find in one instance that some people in Asia would prefer to have an apology from the one who acted unjustly.  This quest for an apology was stronger in Asia than in the United States.  This seems to be based on an emphasis on social harmony and what is called “saving face.” In the United States, the apology is less emphasized if the forgiver can obtain internal emotional relief from the act of forgiving, whether or not an apology is given.  In our experience, there is no difference in the understanding of what forgiveness is and is not.  We have not found a difference in the degree to which people in Asia or the United States forgive following a forgiveness intervention, or in the outcomes of well-being.

Is it possible to forgive on behalf of someone else?  Here is what I mean: My brother is estranged from our father.  I would like to say to Dad, “On behalf of my brother, I want to offer you forgiveness.”  Is this appropriate or not?

If your father has been unfair to you, then you can forgive him.  If you have seen unjust behavior by your father toward your brother and this has upset you, you can forgive your father for the indirect pain he has caused you.  You cannot forgive “on behalf of” your brother because that is his call, when he is ready.  You certainly can talk with your brother about forgiveness, making sure he understands what it is and what it is not.  See if he truly understands what forgiveness is, and then see if he is ready to forgive your father.  Try to avoid pressuring him into forgiving.  It is better if he is drawn to it and forgives from his own free will.

I am a Christian who has had a rocky time with my grandmother, who passed away recently.  I think I have completed all of the processes of forgiveness and can honestly say that I have forgiven her.  There is one thing I have not found in your books, and it is this: Can you help me understand how I might practice reconciliation with her now that she is no longer on this earth?

As a Christian, you believe in the afterlife.  Therefore, God willing, you very well may meet your grandmother again in the afterlife.  You can begin now by thinking through what you likely will say to her and how you will behave toward her.  With a forgiving heart, the way you likely will relate to her will be positive and fulfilling for both of you.