Tagged: “forgive”
Some philosophies emphasize the overcoming of the passions. So, for example, if I go from anger to a neutral emotional stance, then I have conquered the emotion of anger, and it will not hurt me. How is forgiveness different from this?
Forgiveness, while also focusing on the diminishing of anger, does so for a very different reason than what you describe above. In genuine forgiveness, the forgiver reduces anger for the sake of the one who acted unjustly so that this person is not harmed. Even more deeply than this, the forgiver strives, as an important endpoint of forgiveness on its highest level, to offer love (agape love) toward the other. Agape is a special kind of love that is in service to others, even when it is very challenging or even painful to do so. This is done for the other. So, I hope you see that conquering anger for the sake of oneself is not the same as true forgiveness in its essence and on its highest level.
I am not so much furious with the individual who treated me unfairly as I am hurt. Does this mean I don’t have to forgive because I’m not angry?
One reason why we forgive is that psychological damage from long-standing anger is beginning to affect us. As a second reason why we forgive, we do so for the benefit of the other person or to give that person another chance. As a third reason, forgiveness is a moral virtue, and we do this to show respect and even love to the other. You can forgive for points 2 and 3 above. Furthermore, unaddressed hurt can slowly lead to anger which can turn to resentment or even hatred. As a result, you can be stopping the possible emergence of this anger from happening as you forgive.
I’m making an effort to forgive my brother. I had a lot of anger toward him. Regretfully, I let my rage get the better of me, and I need his forgiveness now. What would you recommend?
In close relationships, it’s typical for both parties to need to extend forgiveness to each other. One important thing to remember is that both of you can be on a different level of the forgiveness process. For instance, you might be more than willing to extend forgiveness, but he might not be ready to let go of his anger. In a circumstance like this, I advise you to apologize and extend your deepest forgiveness to him. Then, wait for his readiness to forgive and to ask for forgiveness from you.
You talk about “bearing the pain” in your books for the general public. I am confused by that. How do you distinguish between a) bearing the pain and moving on with strength and b) bearing the pain so that you see yourself as weak and give into a learned-helplessness mindset?
When people bear the pain with strength, they are willingly deciding to bear the pain for the one who was unfair. It is one of the gifts given to the one who has been unjust so that the forgivers do not keep throwing the pain back to that person or to unsuspecting others. When people succumb to weakness and learned helplessness, they do not necessarily have such a noble purpose of doing this for the sake of others. Instead, when people fall into the learned helplessness mindset, they do not see the virtuous meaning of bearing the pain for others, including those who acted unfairly.
I told my pal Brian a secret, and he betrayed it. It took some time for us to reconcile. Unbelievably, he did it once again! Must I forgive him for this second one?
You say that one “must forgive.” Please do not feel grimly forced to forgive right away; this is your choice to forgive. You seem to be quite angry. Thus, it could take some time. Your friend knew how much the first betrayal hurt, so this second one seems even more challenging than the first. You will know when it is time to start the forgiveness process. Perhaps before you talk to Brian about this second injustice and how it has impacted you, you should begin the process of forgiving if you are ready to do so. I suggest this so you may be patient and polite when you approach him.
