Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”
About a year ago, my wife did something that hurt me very deeply. She has not apologized and does not feel responsible because her actions lacked the intention to cause pain. I don’t wish her any ill will, nor do I want to hurt her back. While I believe I can forgive her, even without an apology, is it inconsistent with the notion of forgiveness that I feel she cannot remain my wife if she will not take responsibility for her part in my suffering?
Yes, it is inconsistent to both forgive your wife and to consider leaving her for the hurt she caused you, especially when her action appears to be a one-time act that was not repeated. To put in perspective what I am saying, I think you may have a good case against your marriage if: a) she showed a pattern before marriage that made it impossible for her to be a wife to you; b) she continued this pattern that is so extreme that she was not a wife to you during the marriage, and c) it appears, from the counsel you receive from competently wise people, that she does not have the capacity for the future to truly be a wife to you.
Perhaps you both need to sit down and revisit the hurtful event from a year ago. She says that she never intended to hurt you. Sometimes, intentions that are not directed toward the unjust and cruel nonetheless are morally wrong. Here is an example: A person at a party knows that she will be driving. Yet, she drinks and then drinks to excess. She gets behind the wheel of the car, drives, crashes into another car, and breaks the leg of the other driver. She did not intend wrong. She tried to be careful even though she had too much alcohol in her. The act itself was negligent even though there was no intent to break another person’s leg. It was negligent precisely because the consequences of driving under the influence can be dire even with the best of intentions.
Does your wife see this: one can act unjustly even with intentions that are not leaning toward doing something unjust? Do you see this: Her actions, though hurtful to you, may not have been unjust? Try to have a civil dialogue about these issues. And continue to deepen your forgiveness and to see that your avowed commitment to your wife is far deeper than one even enormous hurt that she inflicted on you.
Recently, one of my high school students approached me and said this, “I am kind of ambivalent about forgiveness. If I forgive, some of the other students seem to think that I am a weakling.” I was not sure how to answer this. Do you have some insights for me?
The student is confusing forgiveness with giving in to others’ demands. This is not forgiveness. To forgive is to know that what the other person did is wrong and yet mercy is offered nonetheless. When one forgives, one also asks for justice and so this idea of weakness or giving in is not correct. There are two basic ways of distorting forgiveness: to let the other have power over you or to seek power over the other because of that person’s transgressions. True forgiveness avoids these extremes.
How can I encourage others to forgive without over-stepping my bounds?
I like your word “encourage” because it suggests that you will not pressure others to forgive. The gist is to help others to be drawn to the beauty of forgiveness. In other words, the person will have to see that to forgive is not to show weakness or to cave in to others’ unreasonable demands. To forgive is to see the humanity in the other and in the self, without coercion to think this way. If the other begins to see forgiveness in its true light, then over time the person may be drawn to forgiving, as a free-will choice.
I wanted to share an experience with you and get your insights. I have been practicing forgiveness lately, particularly toward one of my parents when I was a child. This past weekend, I was at a family function and a cousin said that I did not belong there. Usually, this would make me enraged, but this time, it did not deeply affect me. Yes, I was angry, but I was able to stay. Why do you think this unusual behavior by me occurred this weekend?
I think you are learning to forgive in a more generalized way than only applying forgiveness toward one of your parents for what happened when you were a child. In other words, your practice of forgiving is generalizing to others, and this is a sign of maturing in the practice of forgiving. Aristotle said that a mark of maturing in the moral virtues is to develop a love of those virtues. Do you think this is happening to you, in that you are developing a love of forgiveness? If so, then it is understandable that you may have been applying the moral virtue of forgiving toward your cousin who insulted you. If that is the case, then you likely, in the future, will begin to forgive more and more people when they are unjust to you.
If I make a decision to forgive, is that sufficient to actually forgive?
We did a study in which we asked some of the participants to go only to our Decision Phase of forgiveness. We asked other participants to advance through our entire Process Model of Forgiveness, which includes the Work and Discovery Phases. Those who stopped at the Decision Phase did not achieve the same psychological benefits as those who went through the entire forgiveness program. This was expected because to decide to forgive is not the same as exercising the moral virtue of forgiveness in its entirety. Here is the reference to that research:
Al-Mabuk, R., Enright, R. D., & Cardis, P. (1995). Forgiveness education with parentally love-deprived college students. Journal of Moral Education, 24, 427-444.
