Tagged: “forgiveness is a choice”

What advice do you have for parents when there are conflicts between siblings? What are the dangers to be avoided?

Sometimes, when parents want the children to forgive one another, the parent engages in a superficial ritual such as this:

“What do you say?” (directed toward the one who acted unjustly).

The parent waits for the words, “I am sorry.”

The parent then asks the one who was hurt by the other, “Now what do you say?”

The parent waits of the words, “I forgive you.”

Parents have to be careful that they do not equate forgiveness, in the children’s minds, with a language-ritual of “sorry” and “I forgive.”  This is the case because forgiveness originates in the heart and the one who was treated badly might need a cooling-off period.  It is best if the children are drawn both to forgiveness and to being forgiven rather than being forced into these.

Suppose that of your 20 guideposts in your Process Model of Forgiveness, you had to eliminate one of them. Which would that be?

I would prefer to keep all 20.  Yet, since you asked, I probably would eliminate the first guidepost, the one that asks people if they have been denying their anger.  Even if they had been denying the anger, this tends to lessen as people come to realize that they have a safety net for that anger, and that safety net is forgiveness.  So, even if a person was denying anger, this tends to fade away as people courageously confront the amount of anger that they have been carrying in their heart, in preparation for forgiving the one who acted unjustly.

Can you think of any atrocity in which you think no one would forgive the person?

I actually cannot think of even one atrocity in which no one would forgive.  I know a person who forgave the Nazis who imprisoned her during World War II.  I know a person who forgave the murderer of her 7-year-old daughter.  It is not the situation per se that is at issue here.  Instead, it is the heart of the ones who have been crushed by the injustice.  I have been amazed at the resilience of the human heart in forgiveness.  We need to realize that forgiveness in these dire circumstances are the free will choices of those who forgive.  We must not condemn those who would not forgive.

What satisfaction can you really get from forgiving other people than people patting you on the back and saying, “Nice job.” This seems like such a game to me.

I agree that there can be satisfaction when you forgive. I agree that it is not very satisfying if our primary motivation in forgiving is the reinforcement from others. I disagree that the only satisfaction one gets from forgiving is others’ reinforcement. The primary satisfaction in forgiving is exercising love toward others, those in particular who have hurt us. I think it is profoundly satisfying to practice this love and then to realize that our love is stronger than any injustice that can be thrown our way.

I would like to teach forgiveness to some people, but I find that they are not receptive to the idea that forgiveness is worthwhile.  How do I proceed, given their resistance?

I have three points for you to consider.

First, because forgiveness is ultimately their choice, if they are not ready to proceed, you should honor that.

Second, a person’s rejection of forgiveness today is not necessarily his or her final word on the matter. So, be aware of changes in attitude.

Third, there is nothing wrong with occasionally discussing forgiveness, bringing it up in conversation, as long as you do not push an agenda. Conversation concerns at least two people and their worlds. If your world includes forgiveness, then sharing that world with others is legitimate, again as long as you are sharing who you are and not using this in a manipulative way. Who you are may play a part in whom the other will become as you share this aspect of yourself.