Tagged: “forgiveness”
I don’t want to forgive a certain person because I am so fuming at what she did. I simply refuse to think about this person. Out of sight in this case means out of mind. I think I will be fine, but I am checking in with you for your opinion.
It is important to realize that when you are “so fuming” it is not necessarily easy to be rid of that anger. The idea of out of sight and out of mind is not so easily achieved because the emotion of anger is not always controlled by the mind. The anger, in other words, can resurface. If you find this happening to you, then you might consider forgiving.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
I am innocent of all charges against me! My friend thinks I was insensitive. I disagree. Should I apologize even if I think I was not offensive?
You do not have to offer a specific apology such as, “I am sorry that I did X.” Instead, you might want to say something like this, “I am sorry that what I said made you angry.” Saying this with sincerity might help. As you can see, you are not saying that you did something offensive. You are saying that you are feeling badly that your friend was hurt.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
My friend and I got into an argument. We both exchanged words and we are not talking. What should I do now: wait, tell her that I forgive her, or apologize?
If the initial anger has quieted, then I recommend the humble approach by gently offering an apology. Often, a sincere offer of apology helps the other to forgive. From a philosophical perspective, one can forgive unconditionally without an apology, but the apology does help.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I am not able to gather any concrete information about the person who robbed me. How then do I forgive when I cannot examine this person’s life, including any trauma that might have contributed to this hurtful action?
We talk about taking three perspectives on the one whom you are forgiving: the personal perspective, the global perspective, and the cosmic perspective. The personal perspective is as you describe: trying to better understand the person’s own struggles, confusions, and wounds. Yet, you still can take the global perspective in which you reflect on the shared humanity between you and the person who robbed you. You both have worth, not because of your actions, but because each of you is unique and irreplaceable in this world. Depending on your spiritual/religious beliefs, you might consider the cosmic perspective: Are you both made in the image and likeness of God? Thinking in these ways may help you soften your heart toward the person.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
I have been wondering: Does the forgiveness process itself change my life, or once I forgive, do I then have to consciously and deliberately try to change myself for the better?
The answer is both. Our research shows that as people forgive, they become more soft-hearted toward the offending person. This can include compassion, empathy, and even love (service to others). At the same time, when people forgive, they then start asking a new question: What is my new purpose in life now that I have experienced the depth and beauty of forgiving? This can lead to a motivation to help others.
For additional information, see 8 Reasons to Forgive.
