Tagged: “hurtful event”
How can one keep motivated to stay with the forgiveness process if it is not working after a few months?
First, please keep in mind that it can take many months to forgive, especially if the injustice was severe and you are deeply hurt. I recommend that you focus on your strong will. You probably have had to use that strong will at times in the past, for example, to overcome a soft-tissue injury, or to persevere on a work or school project. Try to remember one incident of appropriating and persevering in this strong will. Now apply it to forgiving. You have a challenge and staying with that challenge by continuing to practice forgiving may lead to even a small improvement in your anger, in your well-being, and possibly even in your relationship with the other person. Any of these as small improvements might increase your motivation of staying with the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
I am a religious person and it seems to me that the cosmic perspective would work best with this kind of transcendent approach to life. Do you agree or not?
Yes, those who have a religious perspective often can and are willing to take an eternal perspective on the one who harmed you. In other words, the cosmic perspective asks you to go beyond the physical world and ask such questions as these: Is it possible that you might meet the other person in the afterlife? Did God make this person and you? If so, what does this mean about who this person is……and about who you are as a person?
For additional information, see The Personal, Global, and Cosmic Perspectives.
How can I get rid of my anger if I do not confront the person at whom I am very angry?
It seems that you might be trying to seek justice or maybe even a bit of payback from the person. I have found that the quest for justice does not always end this kind of anger. In fact, the quest for justice sometimes can increase the anger if the justice is not realized. A more sure way of reducing your anger is to try to forgive, but only if you are ready to do so. You can forgive without the other person being present by engaging in the exercises of what we call the personal, global, and cosmic perspectives. The gist of these exercises is to see the other in a much broader context than the hurts against you. Try to see the wounds in the other; try to see the common humanity that both of you share. Such perspectives do take time and so please be gentle with yourself during this time.
For additional information, see The Personal, Global, and Cosmic Perspectives.
My friend and I got into an argument. We both exchanged words and we are not talking. What should I do now: wait, tell her that I forgive her, or apologize?
If the initial anger has quieted, then I recommend the humble approach by gently offering an apology. Often, a sincere offer of apology helps the other to forgive. From a philosophical perspective, one can forgive unconditionally without an apology, but the apology does help.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I have been wondering: Does the forgiveness process itself change my life, or once I forgive, do I then have to consciously and deliberately try to change myself for the better?
The answer is both. Our research shows that as people forgive, they become more soft-hearted toward the offending person. This can include compassion, empathy, and even love (service to others). At the same time, when people forgive, they then start asking a new question: What is my new purpose in life now that I have experienced the depth and beauty of forgiving? This can lead to a motivation to help others.
For additional information, see 8 Reasons to Forgive.
