Tagged: “Justice”
What does science say is the most difficult unit of your Forgiveness Process Model of 20 steps?
We first have to keep in mind that the science basically is looking for generalities or that which is typical. So often, this quest for the normal or typical overlooks the individually personal characteristics of many people. With that said, we tend to find that many people say the initial decision to forgive, to commit to the forgiveness process, is the most difficult unit of the Forgiveness Process Model. I think this might be the case because change or transition can be scary. If you think about it, moving to a new city or starting a new job or starting a new exercise program as you walk through the gym doors for the first time can be a challenge. Starting on a forgiveness path represents hard work and unknown challenges. I think this is why many people say that this is the hardest part of the forgiveness process.
For additional information, see The Four Phases of Forgiveness.
When I forgive my husband for his forgetfulness (he forgets to bring in the mail, he forgets to help with the dishes, and other annoying issues), it only seems to encourage his behavior that gets to me. It is as if my forgiving is the ticket for him to keep it up. Can you help me with this?
Yes, I think I can offer some possible insights. I am guessing that your husband is interpreting your act of mercy in forgiveness as permission to keep everything as it currently is. When we forgive, we should consider bringing the moral virtue of justice alongside the moral virtue of forgiveness. When you forgive and your anger diminishes, then might be the time to gently bring up the theme of justice: How can he be fair to you, to share the load? This may get his attention and also send the message that forgiveness also is tough-minded enough to gently ask for fairness.
Learn more at Forgiveness for Couples.
I am innocent of all charges against me! My friend thinks I was insensitive. I disagree. Should I apologize even if I think I was not offensive?
You do not have to offer a specific apology such as, “I am sorry that I did X.” Instead, you might want to say something like this, “I am sorry that what I said made you angry.” Saying this with sincerity might help. As you can see, you are not saying that you did something offensive. You are saying that you are feeling badly that your friend was hurt.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
My friend and I got into an argument. We both exchanged words and we are not talking. What should I do now: wait, tell her that I forgive her, or apologize?
If the initial anger has quieted, then I recommend the humble approach by gently offering an apology. Often, a sincere offer of apology helps the other to forgive. From a philosophical perspective, one can forgive unconditionally without an apology, but the apology does help.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I am not able to gather any concrete information about the person who robbed me. How then do I forgive when I cannot examine this person’s life, including any trauma that might have contributed to this hurtful action?
We talk about taking three perspectives on the one whom you are forgiving: the personal perspective, the global perspective, and the cosmic perspective. The personal perspective is as you describe: trying to better understand the person’s own struggles, confusions, and wounds. Yet, you still can take the global perspective in which you reflect on the shared humanity between you and the person who robbed you. You both have worth, not because of your actions, but because each of you is unique and irreplaceable in this world. Depending on your spiritual/religious beliefs, you might consider the cosmic perspective: Are you both made in the image and likeness of God? Thinking in these ways may help you soften your heart toward the person.
For additional information, see Forgiveness Defined.
