Tagged: “Love”

About a year ago, my wife did something that hurt me very deeply.  She has not apologized and does not feel responsible because her actions lacked the intention to cause pain.  I don’t wish her any ill will, nor do I want to hurt her back.  While I believe I can forgive her, even without an apology, is it inconsistent with the notion of forgiveness that I feel she cannot remain my wife if she will not take responsibility for her part in my suffering?

Yes, it is inconsistent to both forgive your wife and to consider leaving her for the hurt she caused you, especially when her action appears to be a one-time act that was not repeated. To put in perspective what I am saying, I think you may have a good case against your marriage if: a) she showed a pattern before marriage that made it impossible for her to be a wife to you; b) she continued this pattern that is so extreme that she was not a wife to you during the marriage, and c) it appears, from the counsel you receive from competently wise people, that she does not have the capacity for the future to truly be a wife to you.

Perhaps you both need to sit down and revisit the hurtful event from a year ago. She says that she never intended to hurt you. Sometimes, intentions that are not directed toward the unjust and cruel nonetheless are morally wrong. Here is an example: A person at a party knows that she will be driving. Yet, she drinks and then drinks to excess. She gets behind the wheel of the car, drives, crashes into another car, and breaks the leg of the other driver. She did not intend wrong. She tried to be careful even though she had too much alcohol in her. The act itself was negligent even though there was no intent to break another person’s leg. It was negligent precisely because the consequences of driving under the influence can be dire even with the best of intentions.

Does your wife see this: one can act unjustly even with intentions that are not leaning toward doing something unjust? Do you see this: Her actions, though hurtful to you, may not have been unjust? Try to have a civil dialogue about these issues. And continue to deepen your forgiveness and to see that your avowed commitment to your wife is far deeper than one even enormous hurt that she inflicted on you.

I wanted to share an experience with you and get your insights.  I have been practicing forgiveness lately, particularly toward one of my parents when I was a child. This past weekend, I was at a family function and a cousin said that I did not belong there.  Usually, this would make me enraged, but this time, it did not deeply affect me.  Yes, I was angry, but I was able to stay.  Why do you think this unusual behavior by me occurred this weekend?

I think you are learning to forgive in a more generalized way than only applying forgiveness toward one of your parents for what happened when you were a child.  In other words, your practice of forgiving is generalizing to others, and this is a sign of maturing in the practice of forgiving.  Aristotle said that a mark of maturing in the moral virtues is to develop a love of those virtues.  Do you think this is happening to you, in that you are developing a love of forgiveness?  If so, then it is understandable that you may have been applying the moral virtue of forgiving toward your cousin who insulted you.  If that is the case, then you likely, in the future, will begin to forgive more and more people when they are unjust to you.

How do I overcome a sense of self-loathing?  I do not like myself for my past behaviors.

I would recommend that you begin to practice self-forgiveness, which should reduce that sense of self-condemnation or self-loathing.  I actually have an essay at the Psychology Today website with a title that includes those exact words, self-loathing.  The essay gives you advice on beginning the self-forgiveness process.  Here is a link to that essay:

The Cure to Self-Loathing? Self-Forgiveness

Please tell me why it is so important to forgive.

You are given the wonderful opportunity to get rid of bitterness and put love in its place for the one who hurt you and then, if you so choose, more widely for others, as you are freed to love more deeply and more broadly.

Reflecting on Resolutions — Again

Editor’s Note: Exactly 10-years ago this week, in this very same website section, Dr. Robert Enright urged his blog followers to consider adopting a New Year’s resolution to “have a strong will as a forgiver.” Given the unprecedented hyperawareness of forgiveness and forgiveness interventions that has developed since then, his 2012 essay “A Reflection on Resolutions” merits an encore. Here is part of what he wrote:

“This New Year’s Day, my challenge to you is: resolve to have a strong will as a forgiver. . . By that I mean your inner determination and behavioral manifestation of staying the course, finishing the race. . . We talk in society about free will and good will, but rarely about the strong will that helps us stay the course.

“To forgive requires a free will to say yes to the path of mercy and love, a good will to embrace mercy in the face of unfair treatment, and a strong will so that you do not stop persevering in forgiveness. To persevere in forgiveness is one of the most important things you can do for your family, your community, and for yourself.

“Without the strong will, you could easily be like the rowboat, once tethered to the dock, now loosened from the moorings as it slowly drifts out to sea. As the cares of the world envelope you, the opportunity to cling to the forgiving life may slowly fade until you are unaware that the motivation to keep forgiving is gone.

“Having a strong will means that you will remember what you resolved; you will follow through with the resolution. You have the opportunity to make a merciful difference in a world that seems not to have a strong enough collective will to keep forgiveness alive in the heart. The choice is yours. The benefits may surprise you.”

Dr. Robert Enright, Ph.D., who pioneered the social scientific study of forgiveness, is co-founder of the International Forgiveness Institute. He is also a professor of educational psychology at the University of Wisconsin-Madison and a licensed psychologist. The various titles and labels that have been bestowed on him during his 37-year career devoted to forgiveness include:

• Dr. Forgiveness. . .
• Dr. Bob. . .
• The forgiveness trailblazer. . . 
• The father of forgiveness research. . .
• The man who pioneered the social scientific study of forgiveness. . .
• Creator of a Pathway to Forgiveness. . . (the Enright Process Model of Forgiveness)
• The guru of what many are calling a new science of forgiveness. . .
• Aristotelian Professorship in Forgiveness Science. . .