Tagged: “Misconceptions”
I’m currently working on making amends with a close friend. Let’s try to be forgiving of one another, I said. Now I’m scared. Is it typical to be afraid of this? How can I overcome this fear?
You are probably afraid because you no longer trust people because of what you have gone through. Being treated unfairly can damage a sense of trust in general. While forgiveness can be helpful in this situation, you require more than that. As you witness the other person’s sincere efforts to show kindness and decorum, take note of these: Typically, trust is developed one action at a time. When you realize that the person is attempting and has good intentions, your fear should subside and you should be more willing to trust the person again.
Why do you think so many parents so often insist on one child saying, “I’m sorry” before the other child is encouraged to offer forgiveness? I ask because, in discussing your philosophy of forgiveness, you make the compelling point that forgiving is unconditional. In other words, a person can go ahead and forgive without an apology.
I think this occurs frequently because parents have not been taught deeply about forgiveness. If a parent hovers over two children, insisting on the apology and then implying a necessity for the other child to forgive quickly, this might set up false expectations in the children such as: a) forgiveness occurs quickly all the time; b) an apology is necessary; and c) they had better apologize, forgive, and reconcile very quickly or suffer the disappointment of the parent. As we know, if forgiveness is a process, then it can take some time, particularly if a child is very upset with another child. This is one example of why it would be great to introduce forgiveness, understood deeply, to parents as well as to children.
What is one strategy you can share with me about getting children interested in forgiving?
If parents show an interest in forgiving, and the parents show that they (the parents) are drawn to this moral virtue (rather than seeing it as a grim obligation), then I think the children will begin to take an interest in forgiving, not be afraid of it, and even try it with the encouragement of the parents. When a parent is reading a picture book to children, as one example of a parent showing interest, let us suppose there is conflict between two story characters. The parent might consider a short stopping of the reading of the text and ask this: “Look at all this conflict going on the story. Now let us suppose that the characters started to forgive and receive forgiveness from one another. What might that look like? What do you think would happen if this one forgave and this one was sorry for acting badly?”
As you are aware, bullying in schools has become a big problem. In my reading, it seems that the focus mostly is on the victims of bullying. While this is a good thing, I wonder what your views are regarding the rehabilitation of those who are continually bullying others.
Yes, I do have a viewpoint on this and it is expressed in an essay I have written on this topic entitled, A New Approach to School Bullying: Eliminate Their Anger, at my blog site on the Psychology Today website. That essay can be found here:
We also have a free curriculum for educators and mental health professionals on our International Forgiveness Institute website here. A link to that curriculum is below:
Is there a common motivation that most people have for forgiving those who hurt hem?
There is no one reason why people forgive. I have written an essay on this topic entitled, 8 Reasons to Forgive, at my blog site on the Psychology Today website. That essay can be found here:
https://www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/the-forgiving-life/201804/8-reasons-forgive
