Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Here is my third follow-up question: I have given you one major advantage for withholding my forgiving (It may help the offending person to realize his wrongdoing). Can you give me one good reason for unconditional forgiving, without the other’s apology?
Yes, here is one good reason: If you have deep resentment over what happened, you can start to release that resentment by forgiving. If you don’t forgive, or feel as though you should not forgive, then you may be trapped with this deep anger (resentment) that could last for the rest of your life. Forgiving releases you from this emotional prison.
Here is my second follow-up question: Yet, doesn’t my withholding of forgiveness make it more likely that he will repent and change?
Your waiting for his apology will not necessarily lead to his repentance. For example, some people think they did nothing wrong and that you are overreacting. In other words, they are in denial. When this is the case, then withholding your forgiveness will not matter to the person.
Here is my first follow-up question: Isn’t it the case that if a forgiver withholds the forgiving until the other apologizes, then this gets the offender’s attention and therefore, he might examine his conscience sooner and deeper, ask for an apology, and change?
There is no guarantee that the other will change whether you withhold forgiveness or grant it unconditionally prior to his apology.
I would like to have a little debate with you on the issue of forgiving and apology from the offending person. My first question is this: Isn’t it selfish to forgive before the other apologizes? I say this because it seems that the forgiving then is all about the self to feel better rather than about a concern for the well-being of the one who is acting badly.
There can be a number of motives for forgiving prior to the other person’s apology. Yes, one motive might be for the one who forgives to feel better. Here is another motive: to reduce anger so that civil dialogue can start between the two people. Here is another: Someone might forgive so that anger is not displaced on innocent other people. Selfishness need not be a primary or exclusive motive to forgive before the other person apologizes.
What if a person is not sure if what happened to him is a true injustice? For example, a co-worker yelled at me. Yet, I have to admit that I was over-bearing in what I was asking regarding a particular work task. I am not sure if maybe I deserved the yelling, in which case perhaps it was not an injustice at all requiring my forgiveness.
It seems that both of you could benefit from forgiving each other, if you choose to do so. You may have been unjust in being “over-bearing.” The other person had many choices with which to respond, and yelling was only one such possible response. The yelling, which could be interpreted as a lack of respect at the moment toward you, can be interpreted as an unjust event. Beyond forgiving each other, you also might consider seeking forgiveness from each other for these interactions.
