Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Forgiving Infidelity in a Marriage
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In an August 12, 2024, post on MentalHealth.com, Dana Vince reports on a married couple, Toby and Shannon, who overcame a year-long affair that Toby had with an ex-girlfriend from college. What helped was for each of them to see the weaknesses that each brought to that year. For Toby, he opened up about a conflicted family while growing up and being bullied in the past by peers. He brought a feeling of inadequacy into the marriage, and when Shannon began to work long hours, his feelings of inadequacy increased. Shannon, in their time of forgiveness, seeking forgiveness, and reconciliation, began to give more attention to the marriage so that Toby felt more of a sense of commitment on her part and on his. Their exploring weaknesses was not to find excuses for the affair but instead to better understand each other, aid each other in their weaknesses, and increase confidence in the marriage. It worked and they developed a qualitatively better marriage than prior to the challenging year.
Because forgiveness is a heroic virtue, as you say, is this a solid rationale, do you think, for forgiveness education for children?
Yes, I do think so. It seems to me that we need to start forgiveness education early—-to give children a chance to love through a wounded heart. Because forgiveness is a difficult virtue, to love those who are not being loving to you, students need practice and time to learn this. It should help them once they are adults when the storms of injustice might visit them.
Would you please post for me your view, which I have read before, regarding why you say that forgiving others is a heroic virtue? Thank you in advance for this.
What other virtue can you name that asks you to learn to love those who have been unjust to you? There is none other than…..forgiveness. This is why forgiveness is such a heroic virtue. It asks more of you than any of the other virtues, such as romantic love or the natural love for a well-behaved child. it is easy to love a child who loves you. Forgiveness is more difficult than exercising justice. It is usually easy to be fair to those who are fair to you. It is not easy to extend love to those who are not loving toward you.
I am a school psychologist who works with students who bully. What advice would you have for professionals such as myself who work in this kind of context?
I have this advice: School counselors, psychologists, and social workers, please take note: When you have in front of you a student who is entrenched in rebellion, in verbal aggression, in indifference to school itself, please presume that this person of inherent worth has a wounded heart. Consider taking the time to help this student learn how to forgive, and deeply. Your “yes” to mending the wounded hearts of students in your school by helping them to forgive could, quite literally, save lives.
I just do not have the confidence to forgive one of my parents from issues of long ago. I keep telling myself that I will not be able to get it done. What can you suggest to me that might boost my confidence?
First, I suggest that you look back on your life to concrete examples of your forgiving others. Have you had at least one successful forgiveness attempt in your past? If so, you have shown yourself that you can forgive.
Even if you have never forgiven someone, you can start now with someone who is easier to forgive than your parent. Try to recall someone who has hurt you in the past, but who has not hurt you severely. Start the forgiveness process with this person and keep at it until you have forgiven. Once you succeed with this person, then try another, again who has not hurt you gravely.
Once you have successfully practiced forgiveness on these two people, keep in mind the path that you walked and now apply it to your parent. The practice may give you the confidence you need.
