Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Here is my fourth follow-up question: I think you just confirmed my original issue. Isn’t this focus on one’s own resentment selfish? After all, it is about oneself and not about the other person.
There is a large difference between selfishness and self-care. If a person has an injured jaw from being hit by another person, is it selfish to go for medical help for the jaw? No. This is self-care. A person who engages in the self-care for healing from resentment actually helps other people, too, because then the anger is not displaced onto others, including innocent others who were not the ones who behaved unjustly.
Here is my third follow-up question: I have given you one major advantage for withholding my forgiving (It may help the offending person to realize his wrongdoing). Can you give me one good reason for unconditional forgiving, without the other’s apology?
Yes, here is one good reason: If you have deep resentment over what happened, you can start to release that resentment by forgiving. If you don’t forgive, or feel as though you should not forgive, then you may be trapped with this deep anger (resentment) that could last for the rest of your life. Forgiving releases you from this emotional prison.
Here is my second follow-up question: Yet, doesn’t my withholding of forgiveness make it more likely that he will repent and change?
Your waiting for his apology will not necessarily lead to his repentance. For example, some people think they did nothing wrong and that you are overreacting. In other words, they are in denial. When this is the case, then withholding your forgiveness will not matter to the person.
Here is my first follow-up question: Isn’t it the case that if a forgiver withholds the forgiving until the other apologizes, then this gets the offender’s attention and therefore, he might examine his conscience sooner and deeper, ask for an apology, and change?
There is no guarantee that the other will change whether you withhold forgiveness or grant it unconditionally prior to his apology.
I would like to have a little debate with you on the issue of forgiving and apology from the offending person. My first question is this: Isn’t it selfish to forgive before the other apologizes? I say this because it seems that the forgiving then is all about the self to feel better rather than about a concern for the well-being of the one who is acting badly.
There can be a number of motives for forgiving prior to the other person’s apology. Yes, one motive might be for the one who forgives to feel better. Here is another motive: to reduce anger so that civil dialogue can start between the two people. Here is another: Someone might forgive so that anger is not displaced on innocent other people. Selfishness need not be a primary or exclusive motive to forgive before the other person apologizes.
