Tagged: “Why Forgive?”
He Said, “Forgiveness Is Passive.” Oh, Really?
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While I was discussing forgiveness with a learned scholar, he began the conversation by confidently stating, “But, forgiveness is passive.” When asked to clarify, he meant that a person who forgives does nothing at all in response to the unjust event or the person who behaved unjustly.
The point of this essay is to respond to the accusation that forgiveness is passive with five points.
1. If forgiveness is erroneously seen as taking place only in the thoughts and feelings toward an offending person, then it would seem to be a passive process. After all, the “forgiver” could be in the hammock watching a favorite sports event and have positive thoughts and feelings about the other person. Where, then, is the goodness toward the other, in the form of respect, mercy, and even love? In other words, the goodness of forgiveness is not only about inner thoughts and feelings, but also about behavior.
2. If the “forgiver” drops all attempts at getting the other person to right the wrong, then yes, forgiveness not only may be passive but also dangerous, as the “forgiver” lets the other person continue with unfair behavior. Forgiveness can exist alongside the moral virtue of justice, which asks fairness from others and the self.
3. If forgiveness, on its highest level, includes the moral virtue of agape love (Enright, 2012), then the forgiver is engaging in self-sacrifice for the good of the other. Agape love is not a self-serving phenomenon. Rather, it manifests in how one speaks to others and in actions that encourage people to be their best selves. As an example in forgiveness, this might include helping the other to overcome harmful habits that hurt others.
4. If “forgiveness” is primarily about oneself, then that would be passive toward the other person. Yet, this exclusive self-focus is not what forgiveness is as a moral virtue, as explained in point 3 above.
5. If the one who offended is deceased, forgiveness still is not passive. You can indirectly demonstrate positive behaviors by, for instance, saying something respectful about the individual to others or making a small donation to a deserving charity in the deceased person’s honor. By acting in these ways, you bring your compassion and thoughts about the person into positive behavior.
In summary, when a person proclaims that forgiveness is passive, the evidence for the assertion needs to be defended. This idea of passivity seems to be based on a misunderstanding of what forgiveness is, rather than on the insight that forgiveness is a heroic moral virtue in which a person, even with a broken heart, has mercy on those who caused the pain.
Enright, R.D. (2012). The forgiving life. APA LifeTools.
Self-Forgiveness Research Is on the Rise
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A recent journal article shows that self-forgiveness is becoming increasingly popular. From the article’s Abstract: “The dataset included research and review articles published without language restrictions until August 2025. The analysis identified 493 articles authored by 1297 researchers and revealed a steady growth in self-forgiveness research, with an annual growth rate of 12.07%. The United States, Australia, China, Israel, and Turkey were identified as leading contributors.”
The reference to the article is this:
Pehlivan, N.N. A bibliometric analysis of self-forgiveness research: trends, networks, and thematic developments. Humanit Soc Sci Commun 13, 1097 (2026). https://doi.org/10.1057/s41599-026-07832-6
Dr. Enright’s Essays on Forgiveness are ‘Essential Reads’!
Dr. Robert Enright
In the past several months, Dr. Enright’s essays on the Psychology Today website have been promoted to Essential Read status in the topic area of forgiveness. Those essays are as follows:
What Forgiveness Is Not and Why, August 20, 2026
Crossing the Finish Line When It Is Hard to Forgive, July 22, 2026
Fully Forgive and Put Beauty in Relationships and the World, June 9, 2026
How to Stop Blaming Yourself When Your Partner Is Abusive, May 5, 2026
A Podcast and Book on Revenge and Forgiveness
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On a recent episode of the podcast No Small Endeavor, Yale University professor Dr. James Kimmel, Jr. talked about his book, The Science of Revenge. The full video is available on YouTube here:
We Have Created a Diversion Toward Forgiveness
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The 17th-century philosopher Blaise Pascal wrote importantly about what he called “diversion,” meaning that people have a tendency to distract themselves from important ideas and actions. I have come to see that forgiveness is one of the central moral virtues that has been a victim of diversion. As we continue to ignore forgiveness as an integral part of our lives, there are these possible consequences:
Not Discussing Forgiveness
When was the last time you sat down with others to discuss forgiveness? I suspect the answer for many people is “I can’t remember” or “I don’t think I have done this.” In contrast, the moral virtue of justice is ever before us, and we discuss it, perhaps even unaware that we are doing so, as we, for example, talk about what is fair in our communities or which political positions are fairest.
Not Accurately Understanding Forgiveness
When we do not discuss forgiveness, we do not give ourselves the important opportunity to deeply understand it. We might, for example, equate forgiving with “just moving on” or “forgetting about the whole thing.” Such ideas do not capture the richness of forgiveness as a moral virtue in which the forgiver willingly tries to be good to those who are not good to the forgiver. This understanding can take time and effort because forgiveness is a paradox—the giving to those who have been unjust.
Not Practicing Forgiveness Diligently
As forgiveness is set aside in discussions, there may be a tendency to set it aside in practice, when we are hurt by others’ actions. As Aristotle reminded us, we tend to grow in moral virtues the more we practice them. If we do not have forgiveness on our radar and others around us are not encouraging us to forgive, we may look for other ways to respond to injustices, such as seeking only a fair solution, even when fuming with anger. Even here, if a person focuses exclusively on justice while fuming inside, that justice-seeking could become intemperate as the justice-seeker blends some revenge with the quest for fairness.
Not Bringing Forgiveness into One’s Family and Community
If we do not discuss, understand, or practice forgiveness, there may be an unfortunate tendency not to pass this important moral virtue on to children in families. In other words, the children will not be prepared to forgive others when the storms of injustice within adulthood arise. Think about a scenario in which a child rarely hears about forgiveness and now, as a 35-year-old, is suddenly abandoned by a long-time partner. The emotional pain of this could be eased by taking the time to forgive accurately and well. If the 35-year-old has not had the opportunity to know and practice forgiveness, this person will have to learn about forgiveness now, within the swirling context of a complex adulthood where there are bills to pay, employment to fulfill, and perhaps children to raise. Would it not be better if this person, as a 6-year-old, and 10-year-old, and 15-year-old was introduced to forgiveness so that this could have been carried into adulthood for the person’s good and the good of the family?
In Conclusion
How has it happened that forgiveness has become hidden in families, schools, local communities, and larger societies? What can be done to reverse this unfortunate situation? First, we must recognize the truth of this. Forgiveness has been ignored, set aside, too often, and in too many world communities. Then we need a plan to awaken forgiveness in minds and hearts and relationships by showing what it is, what it accomplishes, and its importance in human interactions. We then need a way to keep forgiveness going so that it does not fade out, so that forgiveness takes its rightful place along with other moral virtues such as justice, respect, and kindness. Doing so may be a significant protection for the hearts, minds, and relationships of those wounded by others’ cruelty. We need to start dismantling the destructive ways of diversion away from forgiveness so it can live consistently and abidingly in our hearts and communities.
