Is It Better to Wait for the Other Person’s Apology Before Forgiving?
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When people do not apologize, many of those hurt by others’ injustices believe that it is wrong—possibly even immoral—to forgive them. “My self-respect is demonstrated by my waiting for the other person to apologize,” I have heard people say. “I will not tolerate the cruel treatment.”
Yet, why is the way someone treats you correlated so strongly with your sense of self-respect? Rather than seeking validation from others to confirm your significance as a person, you can respect yourself for who you are, regardless of their responses to you.
Yes, sincere apologies are good. Waiting for the genuine apology, with the other person’s sense of remorse and repentance, can be a protection for both the relationship and for you. Such a sincere apology can signify that the other person will avoid similar injustices in the future.
A vital issue to keep in mind is this: Regardless of whether or not the other apologizes, you can and should ask for fairness from the person. This can occur even before the person apologizes. In this instance, the other person’s apology is not the sole means of obtaining justice.
Suppose you insist on an apology coming first. In that case, you are essentially saying to yourself, “I will not allow myself to exercise mercy toward this person until he/she acts in a certain way (an apology in this case).” Do you see how your freedom, including your ability to move past the injustice on an emotional level, has been restricted? It has been experimentally demonstrated that forgiveness lowers anger, anxiety, and depression. Your emotional healing may be slowed down or even prevented if you insist on an apology before you start the process of forgiveness.
You, not the other person, put yourself in the prison of unforgiveness with all of its possible wrath and suffering when you demand an apology from the other before you can forgive. It does not seem morally right to do this to yourself.
The way to emotional liberation is to forgive without condition. With anger lessened and a sense of the inherent worth of the other, which can be fostered as you forgive, your path to a just solution is enhanced. After all, talking with others when you are fuming with anger may not lead to the best outcome for both of you.
