Archive for May, 2026
If people deny their deep anger over a long period of time, might they forget that anger? If so, would this then lead to the situation where the forgiveness process is no longer necessary?
Note: This is the 2,000th Ask Dr. Forgiveness question and answer entry on our website!
If the injustices that led to the anger were serious and hurtful, the anger is not necessarily extinguished when the psychological defense of denial is in place. In other words, the anger can manifest in other ways, including internal compromises such as fatigue or other physical challenges. Also, anger can manifest indirectly toward innocent others as impatience, annoyance over small issues, and other disruptive behaviors. Forgiving is a protection for yourself and others as you move along your life’s path.
Once I forgive myself, is there anything else I need to do so that this process is all wrapped up?
Yes, there is another step that may be important for you. If the actions that led you to self-forgive have offended others, consider going to them and asking for their forgiveness. Please keep in mind that their forgiving you is their choice, and so be ready to be patient. The process of forgiving can take time.
Can you give me one suggestion for introducing the concept of forgiveness to my family? I have learned to forgive, and I now see this as vitally important.
You can start slowly by finding the right moment to share what you have learned about forgiveness and its positive influence on you. If your family members, even eventually, respond positively, further steps might include trying to deepen family members’ understanding of what forgiveness is and is not, and trying to establish forgiveness as a positive norm in the family without pressure. Here is an essay from the Psychology Today website focusing on forgiveness and family issues: Is Your Family a Forgiving Community?, November 29, 2017
In the Process Model of Forgiveness, you begin the Work Phase by asking the forgiver to better understand the one who was unjust. I am a little worried about doing that. If I focus on that person and see all of his inner wounds, might this engender in me such sympathy for him that I conclude this: “Well, he is so hurt that maybe he really didn’t mean to hurt me.” Wouldn’t that be an open door to excuse what he did to me?
Understanding the one who offended is very different from excusing the person’s behavior. We can accept a person as having unconditional worth and then hold fast to the truth that the behavior was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong, despite my understanding the person as a person. In other words, it is important to separate the person from the unjust actions. We try to welcome the person back into the human community as we forgive; we do not then accept the behavior.
Might highly angry parents inadvertently be setting up their children to bully others in school and, once they are adults, to be difficult partners in marriage?
This depends on what the child has learned from observations of the parents. If the developing child does not reflect on the potentially destructive pattern, then, yes, the child may begin to show bullying behaviors in school and repeat the pattern of a conflictual relationship with a partner in adulthood. Yet it is possible that the son or daughter might gain wisdom from the parents’ fighting and realize that such a pattern is unhealthy. Thus, the person may deliberately commit to not following the parents’ behavior. In other words, insight along with a commitment to not imitate the conflictual behavior might spare the person from repeating the parents’ behavioral pattern now and in adulthood. Such insights to occur in childhood likely will need a sensitive and supportive adult to aid in the child’s learning about anger and its displacement. This requires wisdom on the adult-as-teacher’s part to avoid the error of excessive criticism toward the child’s parents.
