Author Archive: directorifi
Is it psychologically impossible to “forgive and forget”? Wouldn’t we be eliminating an important lesson in self-protection if we truly succeeded in forgetting the unfair treatment?
When we forgive, we do not forget what happened to us; instead, we remember it in new ways. We can remember the person and the unjust event, and it then passes through our mind and heart without hatred or rage. As an analogy, if you injured your knee five years ago, you can still look back and remember the event, but without the same level of pain you experienced when it happened. Remembering in new ways is our protection. As we remember, we can self-protect against similar injustices in the future.
If everyone in the world found a way to control excessive anger, do you think forgiveness then would become unnecessary in the world?
Forgiving others is not done solely because of its excellent psychological benefits, as shown by research. Forgiving others also is good in and of itself because it is a moral virtue (as are justice, kindness, and respect). Showing goodness as the goal of forgiving (rather than deriving a psychological benefit) is sufficient for forgiveness to be a part of your and others’ lives. To address your point directly, as we both know, reacting to injustices only with temperate, short-term (not unhealthy) anger is not likely as part of the human condition. Thus, the need for forgiveness, for psychological reasons, will remain alive and well on this earth.
I can understand my uncle’s pain, but I find it difficult to empathize with him—that is, to put myself in his position and experience what it’s like to be him. Without empathy, will I ever be able to feel compassion for him?
Not being able to empathize with your uncle today does not mean you will never be able to do this. Empathy can open the door to compassion. Sympathy, or feeling sorry for him, also may be such a door to the eventual development of compassion. Yet, as you are seeing, empathy is the deeper, more challenging perspective compared with sympathy. Here are some questions that might help you with empathy toward your uncle: Was your uncle hurt by others some time in the past? How deeply was he hurt? Is he still carrying those wounds? Can you see your uncle’s struggles in life? Your answers may induce a greater empathy for him as you see his wounds from his perspective. Such insights should not lead you to excuse his behavior. You can cultivate these new perspectives, knowing that what your uncle did was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong.
Is forgiveness incomplete if I want a perpetrator to serve time in a correctional institution? I do have a desire to see this person in jail. What do you think?
I think this depends on your motive for having the person sent to a correctional institution. Do you harbor hatred in your heart and want the person to feel pain? Instead, do you want the person to serve time because this person might be a danger to society? Wanting pain for the person does suggest that more forgiveness is necessary because you are not wishing the person well. Wanting to protect members of society without wishing pain on the other is a sense of justice; it is not about forgiveness but about what is fair in society. Yet, even within this idea of wanting pain for the other, there are two nuances here: 1) You want pain for the person as a way to teach this person how to change for the better, or 2) You want to get even, and the pain is your way of doing that. Number 1 here can be part of forgiveness, as you desire the other’s rehabilitation. Number 2 here suggests that your forgiveness needs more work, as it seems connected to revenge.
n a society that places a greater emphasis on “boundaries” and “cutting people off,” is it beginning to be seen as a weakness rather than a virtue to forgive people for unfair treatment?
Yes, I think your idea has merit. Sometimes the media, for example, can criticize forgiveness in a way I consider inaccurate. Here is one example from an essay I wrote at the Psychology Today website:
Why Is There a Backlash Against Forgiveness?
