Author Archive: doctorbobenright
What if…..
…..many children in oppressive environments were able to learn about forgiveness, starting at age 4 and continuing to age 18;
…..prior to marriage, each one did the work of forgiving people from the family-of-origin, thus reducing or even eliminating significant sources of anger and angry interaction patterns;
…..schools could be places not only of learning obedience, cooperation, and fidelity to assignments (and other expressions of justice) but also were places infused with mercy;
…..justice systems imbedded restorative justice and themes of mercy into that system;
…..each person who chose to do so cultivated the “softer” virtues of forgiveness and love each day;
…..each person who chose to do so asked, “What will be my legacy? What will I leave behind when I die?” and the answer was, “Goodness”?
What if I told you that all of this is possible?
R.E.
Step-Mother Teaches 5-Year-Old to Forgive Murderer
MSNBC.com – Melissa Oxley was asleep next to her husband when he was shot and killed. Melissa was the first suspect in the killing, but was subsequently released. The boyfriend of Mr. Oxley’s ex-wife has been convicted of the crime and is currently serving a prison term.
Mr. Oxley’s daughter, Alyssa, now being raised by Melissa, spoke with the murderer following his conviction. She told him that she forgives him for killing her father. This theme of forgiveness was initiated by Melissa in 2008, as she began teaching Alyssa, then 5-years-old, the importance of forgiveness so they do not have deep anger as a part of their lives.
Melissa calls Alyssa, age 5 at the time of the murder, a “strong little girl.” After the ex-wife’s boyfriend was convicted of the crime, Alyssa asked to speak to him. “I told him that I decided to forgive him and that I wanted him to have hope,” Alyssa said.
Melissa said that from the first, she told Alyssa that they would approach her father’s murderer with compassion, no matter who it turned out to be. “I always told her, pretty much from day one, whenever we found out who did this we’d have to be able to forgive them at some point in order to go on.”
The widowed stepmother emphasized the importance of forgiveness as a way forward in her grief, and said she wants Alyssa to be able to grow up without anger being a part of their lives.
Dr. Enright Receives Cecil Findley Distinguished Service Award
Dr. Robert Enright, founder of the International Forgiveness Institute, was honored recently with the 2012 Cecil Findley Distinguished Service Award. The award is in honor of Cecil Findley, a retired United Methodist pastor and Campus Minister Emeritus at The Crossing (formerly Madison Campus Ministry) in Madison, WI, who passed away in 2010. Rev. Findley’s ministry was marked by his passion for social justice, peacemaking, interfaith dialogues, and the prophetic teachings of Jesus.
The award was presented by Rev. Douglas Pierce, Executive Director of The Crossing, on April 13 at the ministry’s Spring Gala. In his remarks during the presentation of the 2012 Cecil Findley Distinguished Service Award, Rev. Douglas Pierce said,
Our honoree tonight (Dr. Robert Enright) is: a clinical psychologist, a sought-after speaker, and a popular Graduate Student Advisor.
And if that’s not enough, tonight’s honoree is also an accomplished author with over 100 publications and 5 books to his credit. His work has been featured in a major documentary film (The Power of Forgiveness) and in a variety of news outlets.
As a matter of fact, our recipient is often referred to as “the father of forgiveness education” because of his 25 year academic commitment to researching and implementing forgiveness programs.
Read the full presentation speech here.
Forgiveness Is Not a Gift We Give to Ourselves
In doing some blog searching today, I came across this quotation: “Forgiveness is not something good we give to the other person, but a gift we give to ourselves.” I have seen this numerous times in different places and it is not correct. Forgiveness has been seen as a moral virtue for thousands of years. Every moral virtue, without exception, is focused on giving goodness to others. Think about justice and kindness and generosity and love as just a handful of examples of moral virtues. When you are being fair, are you primarily being fair to yourself? Stopping at a stop light while you are driving a car is an example of being just or fair. Are you stopping your car for fairness to you or to the driver who is driving through the green light and could be injured by your lack of justice? When you are being kind, doesn’t there have to be another person to receive the kindness? That virtue is not exercised for the self. What about generosity? Don’t you have to reach out to another person to be generous? And love requires another to love. Yes, we should love ourselves, but in the context of extending love to others. We do not hold love tightly for the self.
The quotation above does not imply that one forgives for the self and for others, but exclusively for the self. The author of the quote unambiguously states that forgiveness “is not something good we give to the other person.” We supposedly hold it tightly for ourselves. How can this be a moral virtue if no other virtue you can name does likewise, save the goodness for self alone?
Either forgiveness is a moral virtue or it is not. If it is, then it’s goodness has to flow out from self to others for their good. A consequence of forgiving is stronger emotional health for the self, but this is a consequence and not an essence of what forgiveness is at its core.
The author of the quotation has confused the essence of what forgiveness is with one (and only one) consequence that happens (at least some of the time) when we forgive. Sometimes we feel better when we forgive. Scientific studies support this statement. We must be careful not to say then that forgiveness is—in its essence—a gift we give to ourselves.
R.E.
Found out recently that my husband had a lady friend who he was close to on facebook. To the extent that he sent her a message on valentines reading: Happy valentines sweeting. I confronted him about it but he says there was nothing between them, which i don’t believe. Now i’m hurting and finding it difficult to believe him. I wish it was the first time he has had a lady friend whom he gets too close to but it is not and we’ve fought over this issue on two occassions and I just don’t know what to do.
Hurt from betrayal is very difficult. Hurt from continued betrayal is even more difficult. Your forgiving him will help your inner emotional world and it may help you talk with your husband in a calm and respectful manner (which may help open the lines of communication a little more). Beyond forgiving, you have an issue of trust. Forgiveness by itself will not restore trust, although it may make you more open to trusting. Trust has to be earned. Your husband, as you say, has had issues like this on at least two other occasions. It is time to let him know that you are having difficulty trusting, and then see what he says. He will have to repair the mistrust by small and consistent behaviors (one step at a time) so that you are feeling safer. What do you need from him to feel safer? After you start the forgiveness process and your anger is lessened, approach him with this and see what he has to offer by way of increasing your sense of feeling safe.
