Tagged: “Anger”
What advice do you have for parents when there are conflicts between siblings? What are the dangers to be avoided?
Sometimes, when parents want the children to forgive one another, the parent engages in a superficial ritual such as this:
“What do you say?” (directed toward the one who acted unjustly).
The parent waits for the words, “I am sorry.”
The parent then asks the one who was hurt by the other, “Now what do you say?”
The parent waits of the words, “I forgive you.”
Parents have to be careful that they do not equate forgiveness, in the children’s minds, with a language-ritual of “sorry” and “I forgive.” This is the case because forgiveness originates in the heart and the one who was treated badly might need a cooling-off period. It is best if the children are drawn both to forgiveness and to being forgiven rather than being forced into these.
Can you think of any atrocity in which you think no one would forgive the person?
I actually cannot think of even one atrocity in which no one would forgive. I know a person who forgave the Nazis who imprisoned her during World War II. I know a person who forgave the murderer of her 7-year-old daughter. It is not the situation per se that is at issue here. Instead, it is the heart of the ones who have been crushed by the injustice. I have been amazed at the resilience of the human heart in forgiveness. We need to realize that forgiveness in these dire circumstances are the free will choices of those who forgive. We must not condemn those who would not forgive.
I am wondering if there is any scientific evidence showing that forgiveness education might increase academic achievement.
Yes, there is scientific evidence specifically concerning adolescents who are at-risk for academic failure. In the first study below, the students went from a D+ average to a C+ average. The second study was done in South Korea. Some of the participants were in a correctional institution.
Gambaro, M.E., Enright, R.D., Baskin, T.A., & Klatt, J. (2008). Can school-based forgiveness counseling improve conduct and academic achievement in academically at-risk adolescents? Journal of Research in Education, 18, 16-27.
Park, J.H., Enright, R.D., Essex, M.J., Zahn-Waxler, C., & Klatt, J.S. (2013). Forgiveness intervention for female South Korean adolescent aggressive victims. Journal of Applied Developmental Psychology, 20, 393-402.
When someone treats me unkindly, I just strive for justice by forthrightly asking for fairness. I try to get the person to change. This is sufficient, without even bringing in forgiveness, isn’t it?
Why not do both? Why not forgive first, which probably will lower your anger, and then ask for fairness? The asking may turn out to be more civil if you ask when not angry. In other words, think in “both-and” ways rather than “either-or” ways.
Is forgiveness the same thing in all cultures and times?
We talk about forgiveness as if it has universal meaning, but should we be talking about early 21st Century forgiveness in Western cultures, rather than a generic “forgiveness?” Should we presume that forgiveness is not the same everywhere and across all time of human history?
Although there are wide cultural and religious differences among the Hawaiian family ritual of Ho-O-Pono-Pono, the discipline of forgiveness in the Jewish customs of Yom Kipper, and the sacrament of Penance within Catholicism, this does not mean that each is dissimilar at the core. The behaviors manifested in these three kinds of forgiveness differ, but all three are concerned about confronting injustice with love. All three acknowledge that there is right and wrong; all three acknowledge resentment or some kind of moral response to wrong; and all three see forgiveness as a merciful response of goodness toward the offender(s). At their core, these three seemingly disparate cultures and/or religions share much in common.
Across time, we have ancient stories of forgiveness that do not differ from the present day. In Hebrew writings, there is Joseph forgiving his brothers, and we see an unconditional, merciful response to their injustices against him. In Christian scripture, there is the father of the prodigal son offering him acceptance and love in the face of injustice. In Muslim writings there is a parallel story to Joseph, also showing mercy in the face of wrongdoing. Hindu, Buddhist, Confucian, and other ancient literature are more alike than different in describing what forgiveness is. The preserved meaning has not changed to this day.
Might we come across a culture that defines forgiveness very differently than those above? Might we come across a culture that condemns forgiveness as unnecessary or unimportant? Perhaps, but it seems just as likely to find a culture that de-values justice and honors cheating and lying and murder. No such culture to date has been found. While it is true that different cultures might give different examples of what constitutes a just action, all cultures honor just action.
Is forgiveness the same thing in all cultures and times? Despite wide cultural nuances, it appears to be so.
