Tagged: “Barriers to Forgiveness”

How can I show my brother that forgiveness is a choice so we can forgive each other and move on?

If your brother is hesitant to forgive, as you say, it is his choice. In my experience, when people are hesitant to forgive, they often misunderstand what forgiveness actually is. A common error is this: The person thinks that in the forgiving, the injustice is wiped away to such an extent that it really was never an injustice in the first place. Yet, a true understanding of forgiveness is that what happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. What changes when we forgive is our response to the person who acted unfairly. We begin to see and appreciate the inherent worth within that person. See if your brother might be more open to the idea of forgiving when you explain this to him. I wish you the best with this.

It is hard to see the other’s wounds when she wounded me a hundred times more than what she is carrying around. When I try to look at her wounds it makes me frustrated and sad because of all the wasted time and all the hurt created. Will I ever be able to overcome this?

Yes, I truly believe you will overcome this with a determined will. Sometimes we have to fight for our healing and endure with great patience, but never, ever give up. Do not expect too much too soon. The forgiveness journey is just that, a journey and a challenging one at times. Yet, with practice you lessen anger a little more and then a little more until you can see the progress. As you are able, please keep reaching out to the other person as best you can today. Your mercy given to others will come back to you.

Based on a response in 8 Keys to Forgiveness, Chapter 5.

Can and Should Anyone Ever Forgive Those Who Perpetrate Genocide?

I have been studying forgiveness for the past 36 years and this questions keeps coming up. To me, this means that it is a vital question as well as one filled with emotion for those who ask. Given that we have worked in contentious world zones now for two decades, I have learned that the answer is important and can be contentious.

So, here are my views:

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, as are justice, patience, kindness, and love, it should be seen as similar to all other moral virtues. Is there ever a case that a person would say to another, “You must not ever be fair or just in situation X for this reason…….”? This likely would never seem correct to anyone because we all have the freedom of our will to be fair whenever we want to enact justice. To prevent a person who is intent on fairness would seem unfair.

I think it is the same with regard to forgiveness under any circumstance. If the potential-forgiver has thought about the situation, determines it was unfair, and willingly chooses to forgive, then it is that person’s free will choice to do so.

Yes, others may look on with disgust or confusion because of another person’s decision to forgive, especially in the grave issue of genocide, but again, we have to fall back onto the quality of forgiveness, what it is in its essence: Forgiveness is the free will decision to be good to those who have not been good to the forgiver. In doing so, the forgiver never distorts the injustice by saying, “It’s ok what happened.” No. What happened was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. Forgiveness now is a response to the other person or persons who perpetrated this wrongdoing. The potential-forgiver can and should fight for justice even when forgiving. Forgiveness should not cancel this quest for fairness and safety. In fact, forgiving may help a person to reduce hatred which can consume one’s energy and well-being. The forgiving, there, might free the unjustly-treated person to strive with more vigor for fairness. 

In the final analysis, some people do decide to forgive those who perpetrated genocide. This is the free-will decision of the person and if this is done rationally then it is good because the appropriation of true moral virtues in a rational way is good by definition. When there is a philosophical distortion of forgiveness, such as engaging in the vice of cowardliness in which the false-forgiveness allows the unjust and powerful others to dominate people, then this is not forgiveness at all. It is a masquerade of forgiveness. Yet, true forgiveness, that does not back down, is a moral virtue whether or not others looking on judge it to be this or not.

At the same time, some people will decide not to forgive others who perpetrated genocide. This, too, is the person’s free will decision and those looking on, as in the case above, might best handle this situation by realizing that people have a difference of opinion at present on this moral dilemma of forgiving under the most trying of circumstances.

Can and should a person forgive those who perpetrate genocide? Yes, some can and should if they have good reasons to do so. Should all then forgive? No, because this suggests control over a person’s own private decision, which should be left to the one who experienced the trauma.

Robert

Can one truly forgive if the other person does not repent of the wrongdoing?

Because forgiveness is a moral virtue, it can be practiced whenever the injured person decides to do so. It is similar to all of the other moral virtues. For example, consider the virtue of patience. Must you not be patient until someone does something of which you approve? Of course, the answer is “no” because you can be patient with others whenever you wish. It is the same with forgiving. You can choose to forgive whenever you so choose. Otherwise, you are trapped in unforgiveness, with possible considerable resentment, until another person utters certain words.

How can our students accept the spirit of forgiveness when violence is rampant in their family? 

Students need to be taught that as one forgives, then seeking fairness also is necessary in certain contexts such as violence.  Do not let one virtue (forgiveness) emerge without the other (justice) when there is danger.  Just because certain people are unjust does not mean that now I as a forgiver am blocked from being a moral person who practices the other virtues such as courage and justice.  It is hard to forgive a violent parent, but the alternative (hate) is a much harder condition with which to live for the growing child or for an adult-child who suffers the effects of that violence many years later.