Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
I kind of hate to admit this, but as the saying goes, “Revenge is sweet.” If revenge gives me a similar sense of satisfaction as forgiveness does, would you equate revenge and forgiveness and say that they have equal value?
Actually, no, revenge-seeking and forgiving are entirely different. Even if they lead to a similar inner conclusion, we have to remember that the outward conclusion is radically different for revenge and forgiving. In getting revenge, the person may receive retaliation from the other, in which case the “feel good” scenario melts away. In forgiving, the person who gives love may receive love back. Even if this does not happen, at least the other person’s quest for retaliation may not be present any longer. We cannot confuse revenge and forgiving by focusing on outcomes only. As one final thought, the “feel good” experience in revenge might be very short-lived. Revenge does not necessarily lead to a cure for resentment, but only a temporary reprieve from it.
My partner was hurt at work. He is somewhat withdrawn even at home as he refuses to talk about the work issue. What advice do you have for me?
The best you can do right now is to unconditionally love your partner. His internal wounds are too new for him to talk. Being there as a support for him, even if he says nothing, may increase his trust. When he is ready, he will talk with you.
Has forgiveness education in schools been researched and found fruitful?
Yes, forgiveness education has been researched over 20 times in different cultures of the world with both children and adolescents. The research shows that children can learn about what forgiveness is; they can learn to forgive those who acted unfairly; and they can reduce their anger toward those who were unfair. Here is a reference to a study that examined these forgiveness education programs worldwide:
Rapp, H., Wang Xu, J., & Enright, R.D. (2022). A meta-analysis of forgiveness education interventions’ effects on forgiveness and anger in children and adolescents. Child Development, 93, 1249-1269.https://doi.org/10.1111/cdev.13771
If a parent keeps asking a child to forgive the parent, won’t that seem like forcing a child to forgive?
You raise an important point. If a parent insists on forgiveness, this may be giving the wrong message that the child must forgive. The parent needs forgiveness education to know that the offer of forgiveness is the child’s choice, when the child is ready. It is best, in my view, if the child is drawn to the beauty of forgiveness rather than seeing it as a grim obligation that is forced upon the child. In other words, the parent needs a gently approach when asking for forgiveness.
If teachers of elementary school children teach forgiveness education and then the child goes home to parents who discourage forgiveness, what is your opinion of the effectiveness of the school-based instruction?
It is difficult to know the answer to this because each situation will be different. Yet, it seems to me that if forgiveness education is consistent across years in school, the student will have a chance to understand accurately what forgiveness is and is not. The children then have the opportunity to choose forgiveness for themselves as they see the norm in school that forgiveness is worthwhile.
