Tagged: “emotional forgiveness”
When I start to forgive, I sometimes get so angry that it short-circuits the forgiveness process. What do you recommend in this circumstance?
I would recommend first being aware of the increase in your anger and the degree to which this is happening. Then I would reflect on how the anger itself is compromising you and your health in particular. This can be a motivation to exercise your strong will to continue forgiving. As you continue to persevere in forgiving, then the anger will not be controlling you, but you will be in control of your anger. You sometimes may need a break from forgiving and this is all right. Try to refresh and, with your strong will, start the forgiveness process once again.
How open should I be with my own children about their grandfather’s (my father’s) verbal abuse toward family members when I was growing up? I do want them to have a healthy relationship with their grandfather, but I am feeling a bit uncomfortable hiding the truth from them.
Given that you want the children to have a healthy relationship with their grandfather, it seems to me that he is not guilty of any dangerous behavior (such as physical abuse). In other words, your statement suggests that you can trust your father when he is with your children. If this is correct, then you need not share details of your father’s verbal abuse when you were growing up. If your relationship with him still is strained, and the children notice this, you can briefly state that your father and you are working out some difficulties and not go into detail. Your children need not know those details when there is no present danger to them.
When I was growing up, my mother would press me to forgive. She seemed to have an attitude that I was always in the wrong. This has affected my life and my ability to trust others. I also am somewhat negative about forgiveness because of this experience when I was young. What do you suggest in this case?
It seems that you now are seeing the importance of people clearly understanding what forgiveness actually is and precisely how to go about it. Your mother’s pressuring you to forgive seems to have affected both your view of forgiveness and your ability to reconcile with others because of damaged trust. I first would urge you to take a careful look at what forgiveness actually is so that you do not distort its essence. Forgiving can be a beautiful response that sets you free from unhealthy anger. I then recommend that you consider forgiving your mother for pressuring you. Once you begin to see the value of forgiving, forgiveness can fortify you against the pain from future injustices by other people. Forgiveness can reduce feelings of mistrust about the future. This new confidence that you have a healthy response to future injustices may help you to enter into future relationships with others.
Is there anything I can do for a friend who has rejected the idea of forgiving an ex-partner? She is skeptical about what forgiveness is and what it accomplishes. What do you suggest that I do?
She certainly is entitled to her own opinion. At the same time, if that opinion, about what forgiveness is, contains substantial errors, then you might consider talking with her about the basics of forgiveness. To forgive is not to find excuses or to abandon the quest for justice. To forgive is not to necessarily or automatically reconcile. Forgiveness is a choice and should not be forced on her by others. Does she understand all of this? In my experience, those who are highly skeptical of forgiving often misunderstand what it is.
I emailed you a couple of weeks ago about my partner, who refuses to discuss the deep hurt that he experienced at work. I have been waiting and loving him, but no progress at this point. Can you give me more pointers for opening him up to the possibility of forgiving those at work who hurt him?
You do not want to pressure your partner into forgiving. At the same time, you do not necessarily want to ignore your partner who could be better off psychologically by considering forgiveness, as you are aware. I recommend that you be aware of his inner pain. When he expresses that pain (as fatigue or bodily tensions or deep anger), you could focus on that pain and ask him if he has a way of reducing or eliminating that pain. If he has no effective strategies in mind, it is then that you might consider suggesting forgiving as a way to get rid of the pain. I have found that pain is a great motivator toward healing and forgiving is one path to that healing.
