Tagged: “Forgiveness Education”
My friend is unrepentant for betraying me. I now am worried that if I forgive, might this inadvertently justify her behavior in her own mind?
Your forgiving need not “inadvertently justify her behavior” because, as you forgive, you can ask fairness of her. Forgiveness and justice can exist side-by-side. Therefore, forgive, then gently discuss the betrayal and your hurt from it, with encouragement for her to see this and repent.
Thank you for your answer about my partner, who blames me for being 15 minutes late after work. If, as you say, she is accusing me of something that is not a wrongdoing, do I have the right to forgive her? I ask because she simply is not thinking deeply enough about the situation, and so she is not engaging in deliberate wrong.
A person’s intention is not the sole criterion for you deciding whether or not a wrongdoing has occurred. Your partner is not intentionally doing anything wrong, but her actions can be considered unjust because she is not taking the time to explore in depth your situation with the boss. If you are annoyed by this and if it is affecting your relationship, then you can go ahead and forgive. At the same time, you can work on the issue of fairness and gently help her to see that your situation is not a wrongdoing because you need to be obedient to the boss, and your family benefits because you are employed and have a good relationship with the boss.
Regarding my earlier question, what if the “forgiver” is denying reality and keeps insisting that the other person did wrong when no wrong was done? Here is an example: my partner keeps blaming me for being a little late coming home after work, even if it is, say, 15 minutes. She wants me to help with the kids. Yet when I am late, I am not doing any injustice because my boss insists that I stay a little later at work. She keeps insisting that she needs to forgive me. In this case, is it her call or does she need correction?
You raise a good point. You are not deliberately engaging in moral wrong because you are being obedient to the boss. In such a case, even if your partner wants to forgive and it is her choice, encourage her to explore the issue deeply and subtly. As she takes this challenge seriously, she may eventually realize that you are not deliberately doing wrong and that no forgiveness is necessary in this case.
Can you truly forgive someone who treats you cruelly yet sincerely thinks he or she was in the right, or is it just “moving on”?
Yes, you definitely can forgive someone who stands firm, believing no wrong was committed. This is the case because it is up to the forgiver to determine the wrongdoing by taking a clear and wise look at what happened. If the conclusion is that unfairness occurred, the one who was treated unfairly can forgive.
It seems to me that forgiving myself is harder than forgiving other people. Do you agree with this, and if so, why might this be the case?
I agree that it often is harder to forgive ourselves than to forgive other people. I think this is the case because we tend to be harder on ourselves than on others. Therefore, it may take more practice and more time to forgive oneself. Also, if people deny their wrongdoing, this can delay self-forgiveness, making it difficult due to a lack of practice. Further, some people distort self-forgiveness, thinking that it is about forgiving one’s own sins, which is not what self-forgiveness is. We do not forgive other people’s sins when we forgive them for wrongdoing. Instead, we begin to see the humanity in the other person. It is similar with self-forgiveness in that we see our own humanity and conclude that we are more than the offenses we have committed, without using this as an excuse to keep engaging in the unjust behavior.
