Tagged: “forgiveness journey”
What is the difference between acknowledging the pain and bearing the pain?
Acknowledgement is insight only: I realize that I am in pain. Bearing the pain, in contrast, is an active approach of not only understanding that you are in pain but also taking an active role in standing up with the pain and deliberately committing to not passing it back to the one who hurt you or to not passing it onto unsuspecting others. So, one is passive in terms of not doing something about the pain (acknowledgement) and the other is active (bearing the pain).
I am trying to forgive a family relative. My immediate family members keep saying negative things about the person. When I explain to my immediate family members that I am trying to forgive the person, then they intensify their negative judgements against this person. How can I forgive under this circumstance?
Your forgiving is being made more challenging because of the constant negative statements from people whom you love. Yet, please keep in mind that their choice not to forgive is not your choice. Their views need not stay as your view. Yes, you will have to struggle against those negative statements, but here is my suggestion: Every time you hear a negative statement about your relative, say to yourself—-to yourself silently—something positive about the person. Say privately to yourself, “I choose to forgive the person.” These exercises, repeated over time, should help you to forgive even if your family members continue with the negative statements.
If the person refuses to accept my gift, should I try something other than forgiveness?
This depends on your goal. Is your goal to reconcile? If so, and if the other refuses to accept your gift out of denial of any wrongdoing, then you need to have a heart-to-heart conversation of the wrong done and the person’s denial of this. Such a conversation may lead, or at least eventually lead, to a genuine reconciliation based on mutual trust. If, on the other hand, your goal for now is to reduce the resentment inside of you, then your giving a gift that is not directly given (such as the kind word about the person to others or donating to charity in the person’s name) is sufficient for a good forgiveness response. Under this circumstance, you need not “try something other than forgiveness.”
What if positive feelings toward the one who offended me do not emerge? What then? Do I give it more time?
Please remember that forgiveness is a process and we do not necessarily reach the highest levels of this process. If you do not develop positive feelings toward the person, but the strongly negative emotions shrink to manageable levels, then you definitely are on the pathway of forgiving. Yes, you can continue the process of forgiving with this person, but please know that you are doing well in your forgiving by reducing resentment.
Giving a gift to the one who hurt me sounds way too difficult. What do you suggest?
Giving a gift to the other in forgiveness occurs in our Process Model later in the process. You need first to try to think of the one who hurt you in broader ways than just defining that person by the unjust actions. From there you can practice bearing the pain or standing in the pain so that you do not displace that pain onto the one who hurt you or onto others. Once you begin to feel stronger as you bear the pain, then you can consider giving a gift to the other. This might be a smile or a returned email or even a kind word about the person to others. I recommend giving a gift because this is what the moral virtue of forgiveness is on a deep level: being good to the one who was not good to you.
