Tagged: “Misconceptions”

When we forgive, do we forgive situation or persons?

If forgiveness is a moral virtue in which we are good to persons who are not good to us, then this is a focus exclusively on persons and not on situations.  If you think about it, how can you practice moral goodness toward a situation?  You cannot be good to a tornado or to a traffic jam.  If persons are responsible for the traffic jam and if they are acting unfairly in some way, then you can forgive those persons, but you do not forgive the situation.

You said earlier to me that when we forgive we do not acquiesce to the other’s demands.  May I respectfully disagree on this.  I disagree because I have been reading recently and seeing on media videos some people discussing what they call “toxic forgiveness.”  To those who use this term, there is an element to forgiveness that is out of balance with fairness.  Is it not reasonable for all of us to be aware of how forgiveness can get out of balance to such a degree that it becomes “toxic” for the one who forgives?

I think there is a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is and what it is not by people who use the words “toxic forgiveness.”  They usually refer to people who “forgive” and then just put up with the unfairness of the other person.  This is not an issue of forgiveness at all, but instead of a serious misunderstanding of what forgiveness is.  When we forgive, we do not give in to the other’s demands.  When this happens, the one who supposedly is “forgiving” is instead deciding to turn away from a fair solution and then is calling this “forgiveness.”  Forgiveness as a moral virtue of goodness does not give in to unfairness.  Otherwise, it would not be a moral virtue at all.  Here is an analogy to make my point clearer.  Suppose a person wants to become physically fit.  This person walks about 200 steps, then sits down and eats a gallon of ice cream.  This occurs every day and the person gains 20 pounds.  Suppose now that this person says, “I have tried physical fitness and it is toxic.  All it does is put weight on me.”  Is it really physical fitness that is the problem, or a distortion of what it truly means to start a physical fitness program?  Suppose now that many people start saying that physical fitness is “toxic.”  Where does the error lie, with physical fitness itself or with a conceptual distortion, and a serious one at that, regarding what it actually means to engage in physical fitness?  It is the same with “toxic forgiveness.” People distort the meaning of forgiveness and then proclaim that forgiveness is “toxic.”

Consider Giving the Gift of Forgiveness This Year

In the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness.  The ideas that forgiving is a gift to those who have hurt you sometimes gets forgiveness into trouble.  In other words, people think it is irrational to consider offering a gift to those who are unfair.  The typical reasons for this resistance to forgiveness as gift-giving are these:

1. It is dangerous to reach out to those who act unfairly because I am open to further abuse.
2. My gift-giving might be a signal to the misbehaving others that their actions are acceptable, which they are not.
3. Gift-giving to those who acted unfairly seems counter-intuitive to my own healing. I need to move on and not focus on this other person.

The ideas above can be countered this way: With regard to (A), you do not necessarily have to reconcile with an unrepentant person who keeps harming you.  You can give your gift from a distance, such as a kind word about the person to others or an email so that you can keep your distance if this is prudent to do so.  With regard to (B), you can forgive and ask for justice.  Forgiving never means that the other just goes ahead as usual with hurtful behaviors.  In other words, if you decide to forgive, you can and should ask for fairness from the other person.  With regard to (C), forgiveness will seem counter-intuitive as goodness to those who are not good to you only if your focus is entirely on justice or a fair solution to the problem.  If you begin to see that mercy (in the form of forgiving) and justice can and should exist side-by-side, then perhaps this idea of forgiveness as a contradiction or as inappropriate or as somehow odd may lessen in you.

Forgiveness can be a gift in these ways:

• As you forgive, you are giving the other person a second chance at a trustworthy relationship with you. Of course, trust takes time to develop, but forgiveness opens the door, even if a little, to trying the trust-route with the other who behaved unjustly.
• Forgiveness can be a merciful way of showing the other what the injustice actually is (or was), making possible positive change in the other. Those who behave badly and are offered this mercy may begin to see the unfairness more clearly and have the inner conviction that change indeed is necessary.
• Forgiveness can be a gift to yourself as you shed abiding anger that could have been yours for many years. You have a second-chance at stronger mental health.
• As you reduce toxic anger, this actually can be an aid in strengthening your relationships with people who were not the ones who acted badly. After all, when people carry around a lot of anger in their hearts, they can displace that anger onto unsuspecting others.  Your forgiving one person, then, can be a gift to others who do not have to endure your displaced anger.   

So, then, what do you think?  Do you see that in the season of giving, one of the most beautiful gifts you might consider giving is forgiveness?

I read your published article in the journal, Clinical Psychology and Psychotherapy, in which you helped men in a maximum-security prison to forgive people who hurt them.  What is your next step, to open all the jail cell doors and let out everyone who has ever been hurt?

You are confusing forgiving and abandoning justice.  You can forgive a person and then seek justice.  As people in correctional institutions learn to forgive those who brutalized them when they were children or adolescents, this can lower their rage, making them less dangerous.  Advocating for their forgiving does not mean advocating for their release from the institution.

What cautions do you have for me before I reconcile with a former partner who was not particularly trustworthy?

Here are three cautions for you:

1. If you reconcile too quickly without the other showing any remorse, repentance, or recompense, then this could be a false reconciliation in which you may be hurt again in the same way.
2. Please do not think of forgiving and reconciling as the same. You can forgive from the heart, but then not reconcile if the other continues to be a danger to you. If you equate the two, then as you forgive, you may feel a false obligation to reconcile.
3. If you are still angry and not forgiving, then, without realizing it, you might use reconciliation as a weapon, in which you come together in a superficial way and then you keep reminding the other of how bad he/she has been and how good you have been.  This is why you need forgiveness to occur before a deep reconciliation occurs.