Tagged: “Misconceptions”
Why is it important to use stories when working with primary school children on the theme of forgiveness?
The use of stories helps young students see how story characters work though conflict without putting any pressure on the students to start forgiving others. After all, forgiveness education is not forgiveness therapy and so class instruction in schools needs to start with understanding what forgiveness is, what it is not, how people go about it, and what happens when people forgive. If students are then drawn to the beauty of forgiveness, it is their choice to do so in the classroom and on the playground when other students behave unfairly.
I am kind of confused by your call for taking the perspective of the one who wounded me. If I “step inside the shoes” of this person by inducing empathy, might this lead to my justifying this person’s behavior? Aren’t I just giving this person a “way out” by such an approach?
Actually, no, this approach should not lead to you excusing the other person’s behavior. This is the case because, in our Process Model of Forgiveness, we start by seeing the other person’s injustice and we label that injustice as wrong. So, when we take the other’s perspective, we are doing this as we acknowledge that what the other did was wrong, is wrong, and always will be wrong. If we did not do that, then yes, there could be a misunderstanding by the forgiver that what the other did was not so bad under the circumstances. This is why it is very important, early in forgiving, to label the injustice as unfair and explain to the forgiver that forgiveness does not include an excusing of this behavior. Our response in forgiving is to change our view of the person without changing the understanding of what happened to us.
Upon reflection, I realize that I have a long list of people I need to forgive, spanning from my early years to the present day of my adult life. Everything looks so overwhelming. Who should I start with, and why? How do I organize myself while forgiving in this way?
This is a typical and significant inquiry. It is important since it is challenging to arrange all of these details. I walk you through this process of organizing in the way you want in my book, The Forgiving Life, especially in Chapters 8 and 9.
Here is a summary of those chapters: Make a list of all the family members who have harmed you. Make a list of all the instances in which they treated you unjustly. Next go on to experiences with classmates during elementary school, then adolescence, and finally adulthood with relationships and employment. As accurately as you can, enumerate every instance of significant injustice.
Start with your family of origin (where you grew up) as that is where your personal behavioral pattern may have been formed. It is not advisable for you to start forgiving the one person for the one thing that you found most difficult. Before going up the hurt-scale to the one person and one event that hurt you the most, start small and practice forgiveness. Next, proceed to schooling or your peer group, depending on which one most needs your forgiveness, and repeat the same process. Work up to the bigger problems by starting with the smaller ones. You will eventually reach a point in time when you might need to extend forgiveness to a spouse or other close relative who have deeply hurt you. Because of all of your previous forgiveness work, you will already be strengthened, so this new task won’t be as difficult as it could have been if you hadn’t first developed your capacity for forgiveness by forgiving other people for lesser injustices.
Is it accurate to say, “Forgive and forget”? When we forgive, do we forget?
We do not experience moral amnesia, erasing our most profound hurts, when we forgive someone for a significant injustice. No, instead we remember the deep wounds inflicted upon us, in case they recur. I believe that rather than forgetting, we remember in novel ways. When we look back, we see a wounded person rather than a villain who wronged us. We perceive that we have strengthened as a result of the event rather than being crushed by it. We recall with even more love, compassion, and gentleness.
Over the years, I have forgiven him, and I believed my resentment had subsided. However, I am furious since he is now exhibiting symptoms of returning. Two inquiries: 1) After all these years, why am I still so angry, especially when I’ve already forgiven? and 2) How can I deal with my rage? I’m scared because it’s so intense. Please assist me.
I want to start by praising you for having the resolve to express your anger. You’ve been through a lot. To answer your first question, I believe that once a crisis has passed, anger can sometimes grow stronger. Trying to survive as a child without a father was your crisis. You were definitely under strain at times because of this since people might have asked you awkward questions or questioned where your father was, among other things. You persevered. You are letting go of the crisis now that you have “made it in the world,” since you are able to operate well enough to attend a university. Your mental barriers to the fury are now weakening, and resentment is rising within of you.
First of all, please accept that this is normal and refrain from labeling yourself as unusual or unhealthy. Simultaneously, you realize that anger itself has the potential to be unhealthy and even cause you to lash out at people, so you need to deal with the anger.
Would you mind resuming the forgiveness process with your father? Recognize that you are angry and start over from there. Recognize its ability, including the potential for harm to you or others. Then resolve to forgive once more. Proceed with the act of forgiving as though it were your first time. The favorable outcomes likely will take you by surprise. How am I aware? You’ve achieved success in the past.
In response to your second question, as you are aware and as I have already stated, forgiveness will be helpful. I advise you to practice humility along with forgiveness. Humility is the quiet sense of purposefully eschewing entitlement or conceit and developing a sense of meekness and lowliness. You are not doing this to give in to pressure from your father or anyone else. Rather, you will be taking this action to prevent yourself from feeling the need to control your father when he approaches you, possibly in a broken and submissive manner. See what happens when you meet him with a meekness of your own.
