Archive for May, 2026

Is it possible to actually become a forgiving person?

Here is an excerpt from the book, The Forgiving Life, reflecting on this very question:

“I hope you are beginning to see that forgiveness is not only something you do, nor is it just a feeling or a thought inside you. It pervades your very being. Forgiveness, in other words, might become a part of your identity, a part of who you are as a person. Try this thought on for size to see if it fits: I am a forgiving person. Did that hurt or feel strange? Try it again. Of course, to say something like this and then to live your life this way will take plenty of practice. Part of that practice is to get to know the entire process of forgiveness.”

Excerpt (page 79) from the book,The Forgiving Life by Dr. Robert Enright, Ph.D.

If I practice forgiveness, can I actually improve in forgiveness by getting better at it?  If so, what are some hallmarks of forgiveness improvement?

Forgiveness is not a superficial action (such as saying, “It’s ok” when someone is unfair to you). Instead, it is a moral virtue, as is justice and kindness and love. Aristotle told us over 3,500 years ago that one challenge in life is to become more perfected in the virtues. In other words, we do grow more proficient in our understanding and expression of the virtues, but only if we practice them. It is a struggle to grow in any virtue, including forgiveness. So, first be aware that you can grow in this virtue. Then be willing to practice it, with the goal of maturing in love, which is what forgiveness is (loving those who are unkind to us). You need a strong will to keep persevering in the struggle to grow in forgiveness. In sum, you need: understanding of what forgiveness is, practice, a strong will, and keeping your eye fixed on the goal of improving in love a little more each day.

I need some help in understanding what you mean by “bearing the pain” as part of the Work Phase of forgiveness. For example, do I reinterpret the pain as not so bad? Would you please elaborate on this for me? Thank you in advance.

When we use the term “bearing the pain,” we do not think that it has to include a re-interpretation of the pain in its initial stages. The key is this: a) realize that you are in pain; b) realize how much pain you are in; c) be willing to stand with that pain no matter what. In other words, you are accepting what is happening to you so that you do not deliberately or unwittingly give that pain to others.

Later in the forgiveness process you will begin to see new meaning for your life as you bear the pain. You see that you are growing stronger. You see that you can overcome tremendous pain. You see that you can be a conduit of good for others. These new meanings take time to emerge. A first step is to accept the pain as it is and through the process of forgiveness this pain starts to diminish and then leave.

My husband has frequent temper tantrums. When I ask him to quiet down, he just gets angry. He says he has a right to these outbursts. So, my question to you is this: Could my forgiving him open the door for him to keep up this frustrating pattern?

You are aware that your husband has an anger problem needing work. Forgiveness does not directly address that issue. Forgiveness will help you to reduce your own anger at his anger. Your forgiving him may help him to quiet inside at least temporarily. Yet, he needs work on his anger in addition to your forgiving him. I suggest that you practice forgiveness, and then, when your feelings are calm, approach him when all is going well. Explain as calmly and directly as you can that he has a problem that needs to be addressed. Please point out that this does not mean you are condemning him or that he is a bad person. We all have our weaknesses, and anger outbursts are one of his. Support him as he adjusts to this truth. He and you together should examine what in the past has led to such anger within him. Perhaps he, too, needs to forgive someone (or more than one person). Your examining that and his forgiveness may work wonders for the control of his anger now.

Letting go of Grudges & Improving Your Health

Dr. Robert Enright

On April 10, 2026, Dr. Enright interviewed with the reporter, Ariana Cha, on the topic of forgiveness.  The article appeared in the Washington Post newspaper with the title,

How to Let Go of Grudges: And Why It Could Be Good for Your Overall Health.

This information was published here on April 28, 2026, but the link involved a paywall. The article now can be accessed free of charge here:

https://www.pressreader.com/canada/national-post-latest-edition/20260522/282029038877975