When my brother and I got into an argument as kids, my parents would frequently ask us to shake hands and “just forgive” one another. The phrase “I forgive you” seemed to be the final step before going on to something else. Because of this, I now consider forgiveness to be a somewhat flimsy solution to issues. What should I do as a father right now, in your opinion, to prevent my kids from developing a shallow concept of forgiveness?
You are right when you say that the lessons we teach our children about forgiveness may have an impact on them well into adulthood. I’m not saying that there won’t be further development in their understanding once they are in their adult years. Rather, what I mean is that beyond childhood, the impressions formed (whether correct or error-filled)—forgiveness is vital, forgiveness is not very important, forgiveness is about loving others, forgiving is like a fast handshake—remain.
This is crucial: Don’t minimize what forgiveness is. Simplify, yes, but avoid distortion. For instance, our teacher/parent handbook for forgiveness education for 6-year-olds in the first grade (in the United States) teaches these young children that forgiving:
1. takes place when there is unfairness;
2. entails recognizing the intrinsic value of everyone, even those who have harmed them;
3. incorporates the virtues of kindness, respect, and love (charity or caring about others for their own sake);
4. does not always involve making amends if the other person poses a threat;
5. does not imply that we disregard justice.
It may seem like quite a challenge to expect this of six-year-olds, and it is. Stories such as Horton Hears a Who by Dr. Seuss are used by the instructor or parent to teach first-grade (in the United States) students. All five of the aforementioned ideas are easily understood by the students, who can subsequently use them in the classroom and on the playground when peer conflicts occur. As the teacher reads each book (or a shorter summary) to the class, the instructional guides give them questions and answers.
In addition to the first-grade curriculum guide, we offer guides for grades pre-kindergarten (age 4) through grade 12 (again utilizing the Unitary States grade system) for students aged 17 and 18. These forgiveness education curriculum guides are available in the Shop section of this website.
