I know you recommend stepping inside the offending person’s shoes, having empathy for this person, and understanding the struggles through which the person has gone from childhood to the present. When I do this, I feel as if I am feeling so sorry for this person that I want to say, “It’s ok. What you did was not so bad.”
To guard against excusing the person’s unjust actions, I recommend that you keep in your mind and heart the four issues that are not part of forgiving:
- When we forgive, we do not excuse the wrongdoing;
- When we forgive, we do not literally forget, but instead, we remember in new ways without the rancor building in our hearts;
- When we forgive, we do not necessarily reconcile;
- When we forgive, we do not abandon justice.
These points, which we discuss during the Decision Phase of the Process Model of Forgiveness, are meant to keep you tough-minded about what happened so that when you become tender-hearted, you do not fall into the error of saying, “It’s ok what happened,” or finding excuses for the unjust behavior.
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