What Is the Difference Between Forgiving and Walking Away?
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I recently received a thoughtful letter from someone who has suffered gravely and extensively from others’ unjust actions. The letter was a response to an article in the Washington Post newspaper, published on Thursday, April 23, 2026 entitled, How to let go of grudges—-and why it could be good for your health.
Because the letter writer asked such an interesting question (What is the difference between forgiving and walking away?), I wanted to share my response while protecting the privacy of the person. Here is my reply:
I am sorry to hear of the terribly unjust actions that you have experienced in your life. You certainly deserve none of this.
Forgiveness is a moral virtue in which you try to be good to those who have not been good to you. Basically, it is trying to cultivate mercy toward them. Walking away is different in that people can walk away with indifference, or even annoyance or hatred in their hearts.
I find that when people are treated very cruelly by others, it is difficult to walk away with a healed heart. Forgiveness is a powerful medicine for reducing, and even curing, the resentments that can literally last for the rest of a person’s life. Some people reject the idea of forgiveness or are not ready for it. In my experience, people who reject forgiveness actually misunderstand it, equating it with excusing what others did, with automatically reconciling (which a person does not have to do when forgiving), or with throwing justice under the bus. A person can forgive and seek justice.
So, if you think you are ready, you could start with a person who was not exceptionally cruel to you. Learn the forgiveness process with this one person. If forgiveness then seems reasonable to you, try another person, again choosing someone who was not extremely cruel to you. If you want to continue, keep choosing others who have hurt you a little more than the previous person you have forgiven. Eventually, you will be at the top of the pyramid, forgiving those who were exceptionally cruel to you.
If you accomplish all of this forgiving, you will stand triumphant, with a reduced resentment that might surprise you. Those who treated you cruelly then will have no emotional power over you in that the resentments remaining in your closet will be substantially reduced or eliminated.
If you go on this journey, I wish you the very best. Please let me know if you have any other questions about forgiveness.
