Tagged: “Dr. Robert Enright”

Although I want to forgive, I’ll be honest—I’m afraid.  Why I am so afraid to forgive is beyond me.  Could you give me some advice?

You may be afraid because you believe that extending forgiveness would mean giving in to the other person’s demands and unfair treatment. Offering goodwill from a position of strength while opposing injustice, bearing the hurt of what transpired, and lending support to the other person in the hopes that this person may change is what it means to forgive.

You may be afraid because you have never forgiven someone before, thus you are afraid of the change itself because you don’t know how it works. It is comparable to starting a new career or relocating to a new apartment. When we don’t know something, it can scare us. You will be able to recognize forgiveness’s life-giving qualities and lessen the fear associated with embarking on this new journey if you make an effort to practice it.

I have begun the forgiveness process, but I have not begun to develop any positive feelings toward the person.  When might this emerge or is it possible that it never will in my case?  I have been trying to forgive for about a month now.

The process of forgiving can take time, especially if someone has deeply hurt you.  So, you will need patience as you forgive.  As an analogy, suppose you want to start a physical fitness program.  Would you expect great results in four weeks, or would you need more time if you have a high fitness goal?  For now, try to see the actual progress you have made.  For example, has some of your anger lessened toward the person?  If so, see this as improvement so that you are encouraged to stay on the forgiveness path.  Positive feelings for the person may emerge later.

What advice would you give in this case? An employer has caused great harm to my friend. However, the friend won’t talk to me about it. Stated differently, he is not confiding in anyone with his feelings and thoughts around this. How am I able to help?

At this point, your greatest option is to love your friend without conditions. He can’t talk because his internal wounds are too fresh. Even if he stays silent, your showing him that you are there for him could boost his confidence. He will speak with you when he is ready. So, please allow time for this to develop in your friend.

When I do a Google search for the psychology of forgiveness, often I see the definition of forgiving as the giving up of anger. What is your opinion of this definition?

I think it Is too narrow. A person can give up anger because the other who offended is seen as incorrigible and incapable of change. Such a harsh judgement might lower anger, but it is not in the spirit of forgiving because the other is being judged quite negatively. Also, as people forgive, they do not just reduce a negative emotion (such as anger) but also increase, toward the one who acted unjustly, in more positive thoughts, feelings, and even behaviors if the other is not a continuing danger.

In my forgiving my ex-partner, if I give him a physical gift of some kind, might he mistake this as a sign that I want to reconcile?  I actually do not want to reconcile, but your Process Model of Forgiveness suggests giving a gift, which kind of scares me.

You can give an indirect gift to your ex-partner, such as a kind word about him to others.  You could consider donating a little money to a charity on his behalf and not inform him of this.  In other words, you can give a gift that is not physical (in the case of a kind word to others) and not given directly to him.