Tagged: “Enright Forgiveness Process Model”
I am feeling kind of forced into forgiveness. Here is why: My partner asked me to forgive her and I said I am working on it. She came back at me with this: “You, who are supposed to be such a good person, cannot even offer forgiveness to me when I ask? What’s the matter with you?” How would you respond to that?
I first would forgive her for this accusation and the pressure that she is putting on you. Then, with a forgiving heart, I would gently explain that forgiveness is a process and you are sincerely working on that process. You can update her on the process if and when you are ready. We need to realize that each of us has a different timeline for forgiving and so we need to resist pressure from others to have it all wrapped up quickly.
You say that forgiving is unconditional, but would’t it help if the one forgiving hears a sincere apology from the one who offended?
Yes, a sincere apology tends to help most people to offer forgiveness, but such an apology is not a requirement that is absolutely necessary for the offended person to forgive. If it were a requirement for the forgiver, this is giving too much power to the offending person over the other person’s healing from the injustice.
I’ve gone through the process of forgiveness with a fellow employee at work. Yet, I do not feel that I have fully forgiven. In other words, I still have some anger. Does this mean I have not forgiven? What do I do in this case?
When we forgive, our anger does not necessarily go away entirely. You do suggest in your question that your anger has gone down, which is a sign that you are doing well in the forgiveness process. If you are motivated to do so, you can start once again with this person and continue to forgive. We sometimes have to do this when deeply hurt by others.
Is there anything the one who is forgiven owes the one who was harmed and who extended forgiveness?
Yes, the one who offended can attempt to offer apologies if the person who is forgiven is aware of the wrongdoing. Reconciliation can be facilitated by an apology and an effort to correct the wrongs.
Sometimes the forgiven perceives no wrong in the behavior and believes the forgiver is exaggerating. In this scenario, the one who has been forgiven may nevertheless express regret by saying, “I’m sorry my actions hurt you,” as a show of goodwill rather than by acknowledging guilt that does not exist.
How do you go about forgiving a person who hurts you over and over and shows no remorse?
As you imply, it does become harder for most people to forgive those who hurt them over and over. Yet, it is important to do so, if you choose to forgive, because you then can be healed of the inner discontent and perhaps deep anger. You are free to forgive unconditionally, regardless or whether or not the person shows remorse. Forgiveness is up to you and should not be contingent on the other uttering three words: “I am sorry.”
