Tagged: “Forgiveness Process”
Here is my first follow-up question: Isn’t it the case that if a forgiver withholds the forgiving until the other apologizes, then this gets the offender’s attention and therefore, he might examine his conscience sooner and deeper, ask for an apology, and change?
There is no guarantee that the other will change whether you withhold forgiveness or grant it unconditionally prior to his apology.
I would like to have a little debate with you on the issue of forgiving and apology from the offending person. My first question is this: Isn’t it selfish to forgive before the other apologizes? I say this because it seems that the forgiving then is all about the self to feel better rather than about a concern for the well-being of the one who is acting badly.
There can be a number of motives for forgiving prior to the other person’s apology. Yes, one motive might be for the one who forgives to feel better. Here is another motive: to reduce anger so that civil dialogue can start between the two people. Here is another: Someone might forgive so that anger is not displaced on innocent other people. Selfishness need not be a primary or exclusive motive to forgive before the other person apologizes.
What if a person is not sure if what happened to him is a true injustice? For example, a co-worker yelled at me. Yet, I have to admit that I was over-bearing in what I was asking regarding a particular work task. I am not sure if maybe I deserved the yelling, in which case perhaps it was not an injustice at all requiring my forgiveness.
It seems that both of you could benefit from forgiving each other, if you choose to do so. You may have been unjust in being “over-bearing.” The other person had many choices with which to respond, and yelling was only one such possible response. The yelling, which could be interpreted as a lack of respect at the moment toward you, can be interpreted as an unjust event. Beyond forgiving each other, you also might consider seeking forgiveness from each other for these interactions.
A friend recently made the claim that people-pleasers are the best forgivers because they want others to praise them for their magnanimous overture of forgiveness. Does this make sense, or is there a flaw in this thinking?
I think, as you say, that there is a flaw in this reasoning because forgiveness is to will the good of the other person. The focus of genuine forgiveness is on the one who acted unjustly and not on the self to get the applause of others.
It is hard for me to forgive when I think about the issue of a lack of gratitude from the one receiving my forgiveness. In other words, why bother if the other is indifferent to my forgiveness efforts?
A person who seems indifferent toward your forgiveness efforts may have a change of heart about this in the future. Even if the person never changes from indifference, please keep in mind that when you forgive, regardless of the other’s reaction, you get the benefit of emotional healing, of reduced resentment from the unjust treatment. Therefore, at the very least, you can experience an increase in well-being, and so forgiving is a positive response to unjust treatment.
