Tagged: “break free from the past”
A Podcast and Book on Revenge and Forgiveness
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On a recent episode of the podcast No Small Endeavor, Yale University professor Dr. James Kimmel, Jr. talked about his book, The Science of Revenge. The full video is available on YouTube here:
I have to forgive two people. One is at my place of employment, and the other is a family member. My anger and discontent are rather high toward the person at work. My negative emotions are far less toward the family member. Who should come first in my forgiveness process?
I recommend that you start with the family member because it usually is the case that it is easier to forgive someone toward whom you are not fuming with anger. After you forgive this person, then you will have had more practice in forgiveness, which might help you in forgiving the person at work toward whom you have considerable anger.
I am in a rather caustic group, with lots of criticism leveled against others outside the group. It is beginning to wear on me, and I am thinking of leaving the group. What do you think: would it be better for me to stay and try to help them bring down their level of criticism toward others, or should I leave?
You show both courage and altruism in asking this question. I say this because your intent in staying is to help members of the group, rather than staying for your own benefit. Yes, it may be a morally good response to stay in the group, at least for a while, to see if you can temper their discontent. Yet, please monitor your own emotions so that you do not overdo the staying. A key factor is this: are the group members ready to change? If so, what is your evidence? Do you think they will be ready for this positive change in the future? Your answers to these questions might help you discern whether a genuine reconciliation between the group and you is possible. Yes, try to help them, but at the same time, monitor your emotions so that you are protected from the ongoing criticism you describe in your question.
I have an insight, and I wonder what you think about it. We have a family member who is quite alienated from the rest of our family. This is the case because he is rather rude and hurtful to others. I am wondering whether he needs to forgive himself first, because my conjecture is that he doesn’t like himself. If he forgives himself first, do you think he might stop the rudeness?
Actually, it may be the case that he was hurt at some time in the past by others, and so he now is displacing his anger and discontent onto others. If this is the case, he first may need to forgive those who hurt him in the past. After that is accomplished, he then could work on self-forgiveness and seek forgiveness from the family members he hurt by his actions. I find that self-forgiveness can be a more challenging process than forgiving others because we tend to be harder on ourselves than on others. So, forgiving others from his past may help him to become more familiar with the forgiveness process, making it easier for him to forgive himself.
If I engage in the Process Model of forgiveness, is it okay to go back to an earlier unit if I think I need more work on it? For example, I began to have compassion on the one who hurt me, and so I went on to “standing in the pain.” After a while, my compassion began to wane. I think I should go back to that before moving ahead. What do you think?
The process of forgiveness is not a straight line, as you are implying by your question. So yes, it is very reasonable to go back after having dealt with any one of the units in the Process Model. I would recommend, in your case, that you go back to the earlier unit before compassion and begin to think about who the person is who offended you. Such cognitive exercises tend to spark even a little compassion in the forgiver.
