Tagged: “break free from the past”

You probably have heard the expression, “No pain….no gain.”  I sometimes wonder if forgiving, which reduces pain, gets in the way of growth.

The expression “no pain….no gain” does not imply that one must be in constant pain to grow as a person.  In weightlifting, for example, the pain is temporary for more long-term growth of muscles and strength.  I think it is similar for a person’s psychology.  The pain from unjust treatment is our forgiveness-gym as we develop our forgiveness muscles.  The point, as it is in weightlifting, is to stop the pain so that one can grow.  So, we do grow as we go though the pain.  We also grow in character as we forgive. In other words, pain, working through pain, and finding relief from the pain all work together to help a person grow in virtue and character.

For additional information, see Bearing the Pain.

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What is the most difficult unit of your 20 forgiveness units?

Research has shown that the initial decision to forgive is the hardest because it includes change and change can be a challenge.  By change I mean this:  The forgiver now has to start a journey, one that may not be familiar for the one who just made the decision to forgive.  Those who decide to forgive know that they are committing to some hard psychological work.  The decision, while difficult, involves courage.

For additional information, see The Enright 20 Step Forgiveness Process.

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I sometimes hear that a lack of forgiveness can have physical ramifications.  What is the most common health issue that you see in people who have been treated very unjustly and yet will not forgive?

The most common health issue that I see is fatigue.  It takes a lot of energy to keep resentment in the heart and to keep fueling that resentment by replaying in the mind what happened.  Forgiving can reduce the resentment, reduce the rumination, and increase energy.13-29

For additional information, see Why Forgive?

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I read your book, Forgiveness Is a Choice, and it became a revelation to me just how angry I have been toward my mother when I was growing up.  Is this common, to be angry, to be aware of the anger, but not have a clue about the depth of that anger?

Yes, it is common because of the psychological defense mechanisms of denial, suppression, and repression.  These defenses are not problematic if they keep unpleasant issues from us when we are not ready for the full brunt of those issues.  The defenses can get in the way of emotional healing when they prevent us from seeing the truth: I have been treated unfairly and I am angry about this.  So, in the short run, the psychological defenses can protect us from being overwhelmed.  In the long-run, slowly becoming aware of the depth of anger is a first step to healing from the effects of serious injustices.

For additional information, see How do I know if my anger is healthy or unhealthy? 

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I have been deeply hurt by unjust family situations.  This actually has changed who I am as a person.  I now am less compassionate toward others.  Should I just accept who I am now or do I try to change?  As I try to forgive, I think I will begin to change as a person and I do not like that idea.  What worries me is this: If I start to change this one thing, then off I go changing other things until I no longer am the same person.  This scares me.

Whether or not you try to become more compassionate, one thing still is likely to happen: You will change.  Life is about developing and therefore we do not stay static.  You have been hurt and your trust has been damaged.  As you practice forgiving, you are correct, you likely will change.  You likely will become more compassionate and more trusting in general (but not necessarily toward those whom you should not trust).  If you notice, those characteristics of compassion and trust are positive developments.  Forgiveness could help change you in very good ways.  Try to enjoy the positive transformation.

To learn more, see Why Forgiveness Is Not Only a Psychological Construct.

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