Tagged: “Forgiveness books”

I Recently Read This: “Forgiveness Is for You, Not for the Other.” Is This True?

I hear so often that to forgive is for your own healing and is not for the one who hurt you. This kind of statement happens so often that it is time to address the issue: Is this true? To answer this question, we have to know what forgiving actually is. To forgive is to exercise a moral virtue (Enright, 2012; Enright & Fitzgibbons, 2015). What is a moral virtue? According to Aristotle, as explained by Simon (1986), all moral virtues, whether it is justice, patience, kindness, or even forgiveness, focus on what is good for others and for the community. When we are engaging in justice, we are good to the other who, for example, built a dining room table for us at the cost of $500. Being good in this case is to pay for the work done. Patience is goodness toward others at whom one is irritated, such as toward a grocery store clerk who is simply doing one’s best with a long line of customers. What then is forgiveness? It is being good to those who are not good to you by deliberately reducing resentment toward that person and by offering, to the extent possible, kindness, respect, generosity, and even love toward the other. You are not offering these directly toward the self, but to the other.

Here, then, is where the confusion comes in: A paradox of forgiving is that as we extend ourselves in kindness, respect, generosity, and even love toward the offending other person, it is we, ourselves, as forgivers who often experience emotional healing as the consequence of offering forgiveness to others. Thus, the answer is this to the question, “Is forgiveness for the self or for the other?”: Forgiving is definitely for the other and one major consequence—not the act itself, but a consequence—-is that the forgiver benefits.

As another related issue, one can forgive out of a motive of freeing oneself of resentment, but to do so entails a focus on the other with the morally virtuous qualities for the other of kindness, respect, generosity, and love.

The statement, “Forgiveness is for you, not the other”, is to confuse essence (what forgiving is at its core) with the consequence and essence with one’s motivation. The essence of forgiving is a positive response, as best one can at present, for the other. The consequence in many cases is the actual self-healing. One’s motive can be the hope of self-healing from burning anger. Of course, one need not have as the motive or intended consequence self-healing. One’s motive may be entirely for the other as a person of worth. Even so, self-healing can occur even when the motive is other-centered.

When we make the distinctions among: a) what forgiving is; b) some of the consequences for the self of forgiving; and c) one’s motives for beginning the process of forgiving, we see that the moral virtue of forgiving itself (in its essence) is for the other.

Robert 

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I am not someone who likes to go to psychotherapy. Yet, I prefer not to be alone on the forgiveness process. What would you recommend under this circumstance?

We have three self-help books that lead people through the forgiveness process: Forgiveness Is a Choice, The Forgiving Life, and 8 Keys to Forgiveness. I recommend that you choose one of these books and get two copies, one for a trusted friend and one for you. Both of you can go through the forgiveness process together, even sharing your own unique journeys with each other. This kind of support may help both of you forgive one person who has hurt your friend and one person who has hurt you.

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Where and how can you start to forgive yourself?

I have found that self-forgiveness for many people is more difficult than forgiving others because we are harder on ourselves.  So, I recommend that first you forgive someone who has hurt you.  We have several self-help books for this, such as The Forgiving Life.  Once you know the pathway of forgiving others, then you can apply that learning to yourself.  You can begin to see your own inherent (built-in) worth.  You can start to bear the pain of what happened so that you are not continually condemning yourself for what you did in the past.  You can begin to welcome yourself back into the human community.

You can read some specifics about self-forgiveness by clicking on the Set Yourself Free link below, which is from my blog at Psychology Today, also called The Forgiving Life:

 

Another source is the chapter on self-forgiveness in my book, 8 Keys to Forgiveness.

I wish you the best in this healing journey.

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Can your Forgiveness Education materials be modified for secular universities, which are looking at racial injustice, white supremacy, social justice?

Our Forgiveness Education programs are built for ages 4 through age 18. For university settings, I would recommend the following:

The video, The Power of Forgiveness, as a way to get people discussing forgiveness in the context of societal challenges.

Then you might consider small groups that read and discuss any of the following of my self-help forgiveness books:

Forgiveness Is a Choice (2001)

The Forgiving Life (2012). This is my most in-depth self-help book because it links forgiving to the moral virtue of agape love. This book is a Socratic dialogue between two women.

8 Keys to Forgiveness (2015)

Please keep in mind that some who advocate for social justice misunderstand the importance and beauty of forgiveness, thinking it is a way of caving in to injustice. This is not what forgiveness is. Yet, if a person misunderstands forgiveness in this way, it may lead to a rejection of forgiveness because of this misunderstanding of its true meaning.

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I would like to know and learn more about forgiveness. What self help books and resources can you suggest? I have been on my own forgiveness journey for a while now. The biggest challenge has been learning how to forgive my husband fully for hurting me and my family.

I would recommend any one of these 3 self-help books, which describe our Process Model of Forgiveness, which has been scientifically-tested and found to be effective:

Forgiveness Is a Choice (2001)

The Forgiving Life (2012). This is my most in-depth self-help book because it links forgiving to the moral virtue of agape love. This book is a Socratic dialogue between two women.

8 Keys to Forgiveness (2015)

I wish you the best on your healing journey.

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