Ask Dr. Forgiveness
I know you talk about secondary forgiveness, or forgiving someone who hurt a person you love. My question is this: Do you think it is legitimate to forgive the family member who is being hurt, who just lingers in the relationship without standing up for his own rights? This is making me very angry.
Yes, if you are angry with your family member for not seeking justice, then it is your choice whether or not to forgive that person. I realize that the one you are forgiving is not the victim in this scenario, but the person, in failing to exercise justice, is frustrating you and making you angry. This is sufficient to begin the forgiveness process if you are ready.
For additional information, see Why Forgive?
My brother was hurt at school by a harsh teacher. He has not forgiven that teacher. Now I am having a hard time forgiving the teacher. Should I wait until my brother forgives before I start the forgiveness process?
It is perfectly legitimate to forgive someone who hurts a family member when you have been hurt by that action. You need not wait until your brother forgives because you are free to offer forgiveness whenever you are ready. Your forgiving the teacher may show your brother that it is possible.
For additional information, see Learning to Forgive Others.
I know you make a distinction between forgiving and reconciling, but I still am afraid to forgive just in case by doing so I might accidentally let back my ex-husband into my heart. Do you have any suggestions on this for me?
A key, I think, is this: Be aware of the behaviors he exhibits that played a part in your breakup. Is he still showing such behaviors? If so, and if he remains unrepentant, then you need to remember those behaviors and realize that a renewed relationship is not possible without his sustained change. Even if your heart softens, keep a strong mind regarding what he will and will not accomplish with you. So, I think you can forgive and be rid of any deep resentment you may have and then be wise with regard to his behaviors.
For additional information, see Forgiveness for Couples.
I asked you a previous question regarding a friendship that went bad. If a person is toxic to you, how does a person handle that? Is reconcilition even part of the picture. How or why should a person want to be reconciled to a person who has raged at you 4 times, stonewalled 1x, for a year make diminishing remarks in social situations, and spit on my 2 x. Why would anyone want to be reconciled to this kind of person?
You ask why a person might want to reconcile with someone who has been abusive. The short answer is that the other might change. Forgiveness gives the other that second chance to actually alter a harmful pattern.
For those who want to examine the possibility of reconciliation, I recommend first asking yourself these three questions: 1) Does the one who hurt you show remorse, or an inner sorrow regarding what that person did to you? 2) Does the one who hurt your show repentance, or verbally apologizing to you? 3) Does the one who hurt you show any recompense or giving back to you in some way given that you are hurt?
These three (remorse, repentance, and recompense) are important for you to examine as you consider reconciling with the person. These three, if they are in place, will show you that the person has changed and so it may be safe to try reconciliation, at least in small steps, a little at a time until you are sure the other is trustworthy and will not abuse you.
For additional information, see Questions about Reconciliation.
As I write this, I want revenge on someone. Is this part of the forgiveness process?
Feelings of revenge can be part of the preliminary process before a person commits to forgiveness. In other words, the process of forgiveness allows for a period of anger. At the same time, you do not want to act on revenge-feelings, but instead realize that revenge-seeking can harm both you (because of harsh emotions that can lead to anxiety or depression) and the other person. So, feelings of revenge are not part of the forgiveness process itself but can be present prior to the decision to forgive. Forgiving can go a long way in eliminating feelings of revenge.
Learn more at What is Forgiveness?
